lauren blogs... sometimes.

Dirty Thirty.

Mar 292013

Guess who is thirty? ME!

Wasn’t I such a cute baby? Did I really have brown eyes when I was a baby? I never noticed that before in my baby pictures; I probably just didn’t look because my eyes are blue and as far as I knew they’ve always been blue. Weird. Maybe one of my parents can shed some light onto this new discovery I’ve made.

Anyway, I’m thirty! I guess this officially makes me a grownup. It’s weird because when I see other moms at the park or play area who are probably my age, they seem to be much more mature than I am. I don’t think that I’m immature, but perhaps I’m not as polished as some of the other suburban moms I encounter on a daily basis (I almost typed “on the reg” which makes it pretty apparent that I am not as refined as I’d like to pretend I am). I try not to compare myself to others since we are all having our own unique life experiences, but sometimes I wish that I felt more ‘together.’ When I lose control of my daughter in public, especially while we are in a store, I feel like everyone is watching me as I discipline her; and when she gets off of the stroller’s sit-and-stand step and disappears, it makes me want to scream. I guess that’s pretty normal for a mom to feel frustrated when her child doesn’t listen, but most of the time I don’t think that I handle it well AT ALL.

This post isn’t supposed to be about my shortcomings as a mom. But it seems like every post turns into a list of my parental failings. Oh well. Stream of conscious writing rears its ugly head.

So um, happy birthday to me! Tonight, Jacob and I are going to see the Deftones at Austin City Limits, and then we are going to spend the rest of the weekend with our kiddos in Austin, doing Austin things. I can’t wait! Being thirty is going to be awesome.

Henry: Five Months Old

family, writing 2 Responses »

Mar 272013

Dearest Baby Boy,

Look at you, precious boy! You are five months old! You’re getting so big! I can’t stop using exclamation marks!

You have started teething and it is making you quite fussy. I feel so bad for you when you start crying and gnawing on your hand. I still haven’t spotted any teeth breaking through your gums, but I hope for your sake (okay, mine too) we see a teeny pearly white soon. You haven’t been sleeping for long stretches at night like you used to – you have been waking up after only a couple of hours instead of five or six (or that one time- eight!). I guess you just need some cuddling and something to chew on; I don’t mind tucking you right up next to me. We both sleep better when we’re together anyway.

You have mastered rolling over, but once you get onto your belly you seem to get upset. Being on your tummy appears to bother you. How can you learn to crawl if you don’t like being on your stomach? It’s kind of neat to lay you down on your play mat, and have you be completely off the mat and onto the rug when I come back into the room. You’re a professional wiggler; unless I’m feeding you, you are in constant motion. You pump your legs with all of your energy and you are really strong!

Your first word! I nearly forgot to mention it! Henry, you said your first word! It was “Dada,” but I forgive you. Actually, you said “Mumma” tonight so that’s good enough for me! I guess watching Downton Abbey with you has influenced your speech. You love babbling and laughing, and your favorite person is, without a doubt, your big sister. Whenever you find her in the room you keep your eyes locked on her, watching her every move. She makes you laugh and smile more than anyone else.

I love you, sweet boy. See you next month!

Love,

Mumma

And Now You Are Four.

family, writing 2 Responses »

Mar 252013

Happy birthday, my beautiful little girl.

I cannot believe that you are four years old today. It seems like it was just last week when you learned how to walk, only a month ago when we brought you home from the hospital on that super-cold March day. You have brought so much joy to our lives and you made us a family. Most importantly, you made me a mom, and that is a gift that means so very much to me. I never thought that I wanted to have children, but then I met your daddy; not only did I fall in love with him, but I fell in love with the idea of raising children with him. When we had you, our hearts became so full of love for you. You are just the most wonderful, amazing, and special little girl. You are so smart, baby, and every time you use a ‘big girl’ word I swell with pride. You are really, really smart. Scary smart. But I’m not surprised. That isn’t a sneaky way to compliment myself and my superb parenting – lately, I have been feeling like I haven’t given you everything you deserve from me – but you still shine like the brightest star in the sky.

You love running around outside in the backyard with the dog, playing with Play Doh, doing crafts with me, and I’m certain that your favorite activity is helping me make pancakes every morning. It’s our ritual – every morning we wake up, snuggle for a bit and play with your brother, then we stand side-by-side at the counter and share the task of measuring, pouring, whisking, and your favorite part- flipping! Okay, it may not be your favorite thing we do, but it’s certainly one of mine. As our day unfolds we sometimes get on each other’s nerves but we will always have breakfast.

Love,

Mama

Birthday Party, V 2.0

family 4 Responses »

Mar 242013

I know that this is a saying throughout the country, but in Texas we always say, “If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes.” And dammit, it’s so, so true. This past week, the skies were clear, sunny, and the weather was warm.
I can describe it two words: SHORTS. WEATHER. It was beautiful! Then, this weekend came and so did the clouds, wind, rain, and freezing-ass temperatures. Normally, this would be disappointing but not a big deal. However, this weekend was Avery’s birthday party and we had planned to have it outdoors at a park. We reserved a pavilion, and I made a lot of the decorations for it (including dyeing canvas drop cloths for the table cloths, banners, etc.); everything we planned and had purchased revolved around our venue.

But when we woke up this morning and it was in the 30s with 20mph winds, I knew we had to either cancel the party or find an indoor venue. I remembered seeing a birthday party at the mall’s food court when we were there a few weekends ago; I had Jacob look up the mall’s website to see if a reservation was needed to have a party there. No information came up regarding parties, so we decided that this was the new plan for Avery’s birthday party. It was either the mall or my mom’s house, and my mom’s house is not kid-friendly. She has some toys, but she also has pricy knick-knacks and delicate wood flooring and PUT A COASTER UNDER THAT GLASS! (She isn’t that anal retentive about it; I’m just being overly dramatic for the sake of the blog.)

Anyway, I called or texted everyone and let them know about the new time and location. About half of the guests decided not to come for one reason or another, but that was okay because a group of forty people at the food court would get pretty loud.

I got to the mall first and claimed a row of tables at the food court. I set up as many of the decorations as I could, ordered a traveler’s box of coffee from the Starbucks, and purchased tokens for the carousel. My sister picked up our catering order from Super Target (I will order from them for every party we have now; it was so easy and cheap! This is not an ad) and brought it to the mall, and Jacob and his parents brought the drinks and the birthday girl. Everyone showed up around 12:30pm, and we all ate sandwiches and fruit. Then, the kids rode the carousel, we sang “Happy Birthday” and ate cupcakes, opened presents, pulled the strings of the pinata (we drew a bit of an audience during the mad grab for loot once the pinata burst), and then rode the carousel again. It was a lot more fun for the kids than it sounds, I promise! They ran around the tables (this is a suburban mall so it’s not like our kids were the only ones running around), played with one another, and the adults sat around and chatted.

It wasn’t the party that we originally planned, but Avery had a great time with her friends and family and that’s all that matters. I was surprised at how well I handled the change of events; under pressure, I tend to get stressed out and worked up, letting even the littlest thing piss me off. I hate it when my plans don’t go as, well, planned, but I managed to keep my cool when we had to make the last-minute call to move the party. Honestly, I was impressed with myself for not being a total crybaby about the weather being uncooperative today. I guess I’m becoming a mature adult; after all, I am turning thirty this week.

Back to School.

writing 7 Responses »

Mar 122013

I am officially a student again.

Funnily enough, I just typed ‘stupid’ and had to delete the ‘pid’ to type ‘student’. Then, I typed ‘stupid’ again. Those two words shouldn’t be so similar.

Anyway, I’m going back to school for the zillionth time. It may seem like I have too much on my plate already, but I am pretty sure that I can handle it. My freelance job has helped me learn time management and self discipline, which were qualities that I seriously lacked the last time I attempted to take some courses.

I hate writing this before I’ve even registered (registration is March fourteenth) for classes, but I guess by putting it into the universe I’m thinking that it will help hold me accountable. So there you go, mom and dad- the summer session starts in June so be sure to ask me about it.

My plan is to take one class per session; each summer session is four weeks long. I still have some core classes to take so I figured that I may as well start with those. Since I am an English major and not something that involves being IN class around people (Ew! Human interaction!), I should be able to take the majority of my courses online. What I love is that even foreign language credits can be obtained through an online class. YES! I hate public speaking, and I also hate looking stupid in front of people. Nothing makes me feel more vulnerable than speaking another language in front of others. The last time I attempted to take a French class in college, the professor each had us take turns saying various phrases out loud to one another. When I took French in high school, doing this particular exercise didn’t bother me too much but in my college class I hated it. I was either afraid of saying it wrong or maybe I was afraid of nailing the pronunciation and looking like a show-off. I’m by no means a wallflower but I don’t like to stand out either. Lucky for me, the foreign language I will be taking, French, is available online! For my degree, I am required to take a total of twelve credits of a single foreign language, or six credits each of two languages. I think I will stick with French, but learning Italian might be fun too. It just depends on what the university offers when I transfer.

Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m starting off at a community college. I have attended a university before and at the time, it was too overwhelming for me. I lived on campus and rarely made it to class. I was suffering from a bout of depression and didn’t bother to seek help for it. Instead, I bailed on my classes and slept most of the day. It wasn’t one of my shinier moments. My roommate’s friends also stole my snacks and used my computer when I wasn’t there. And, she would invite guys over and fool around with them while I was sleeping. But the ONE TIME I used her microwave? She went ape-shit on me. I just wanted to heat up my goddamn Hot Pocket.

Anyway, while the kids are still at home, I plan on taking just one class at a time as to not overwhelm myself. Once Avery is in school next fall (you’ve GOT to be kidding me! Wasn’t she just born a week ago?), I may be able to handle more. I will probably be forty by the time I graduate, but that’s okay. I don’t even know what I plan on doing with my degree. I’m already a professional writer, so obviously I didn’t need the document to help me launch my career. But, perhaps having a degree will raise my earnings potential. Wouldn’t THAT be nice! Also, education is important and I want to instill that in my children; encouraging them to attend college when I didn’t even finish sends them mixed messages and the whole ‘do as I say, not as I do’ mantra to which I have never been a fan.

I’m excited to start this journey again. Maybe while I’m doing my homework it will encourage Avery to sit down and do some of the activities in her preschool book. Lately, she has had little interest in doing any school work. The girl can legibly write her name and she knows her alphabet and numbers. And colors and shapes. And lots of animals. What else does she need to know at this point? Oh, and she knows how to use scissors. Too bad college isn’t that simple.

Yell.

family, writing 1 Response »

Mar 112013

I think that ceasing my anti-depressants was a huge mistake. Nothing serious has happened, but this afternoon,
I yelled at my daughter. I screamed. She couldn’t get her carseat buckled (she can do it herself now, except for this one time), and so she started getting upset. We were both tired after a long day, and I just lost it. I screamed at her, “What the hell is wrong with you? If you can’t do it, I’ll do it but quit wasting my time!” I may have said more, but I don’t remember. Whatever it was, I’m sure it was terrible and nothing you should ever say to a child. As soon as I was finished yelling at her, I came out of my haze and felt like shit. Just. Fucking. Awful. I don’t know why I would ever yell at such a sweet little girl. Or any child, for that matter. My daughter is a tough little girl. She is a bruiser. She doesn’t cry when she falls on the ground, and she takes disappointments like a champ. If a kid doesn’t want to play with her on the playground, she moves on and plays with someone else. It’s THEIR loss, after all, and she knows it. She has a bright and wonderful spirit and is so very, very smart. I have always been proud of her for not being overly sensitive. I’d watch other kids fall on the playground and break down in tears and think, “Thank God that Avery isn’t such a wimp.” (Sorry, if your kid is sensitive, good for them. I just don’t think I’d be a good parent to such a sensitive child.)

But here I am, yelling at her for not being able to buckle her carseat? Her hooded sweater had ruffles on it that were in the way of the buckle and that’s her fault? What the fuck is wrong with me? I was tired but I cannot use that as a reason to yell at my child. She is amazing and deserves a mom who is patient and calm. We can’t both be high strung!

I will be calling in a refill for my prescription for Zoloft tomorrow morning, and by the end of the day I will make an appointment with a counselor. I will fix my head for my babies. They deserve better and I will be better.

Late Night Mom Guilt

family, writing 2 Responses »

Mar 082013

I inadvertently let Henry cry himself to sleep tonight and now I feel like a monster. I was working on some extremely overdue assignments for my freelance job, and he would not stay asleep in his crib. I nursed him to sleep in my lap, and once I set him down in his crib, he woke up and cried. I’d rescue him, nurse him some more, lay him down. Rinse. Repeat. I finally put him in his swing with a pacifier, and he seemed to enjoy that so I helped him keep his pacifier in his mouth until he fell asleep. After about twenty minutes of blissful silence, he started squirming. After a few minutes of wiggling, he woke up and fussed again. Really, dude? Go to sleep already! I rocked him while I stood up and then placed him in his crib where it looked like he might drift off again. Wrong. So very, very wrong. He was wide awake and grumbling by the time I sat back down in front of my laptop. The grumbling turned into fussing which then escalated into a sad and lonely cry. I was in the middle of an assignment and decided to finish it before getting him out of his crib. Each assignment takes only a few minutes so he wouldn’t have long to wait. By the time I finished typing and hit Submit, the sounds from his crib had ceased. I heard him slowly lower from a cry to a whimper and instead of rescuing him, I let him be. I just wanted to finish what I was working on because I knew it would be a long night of work and I wanted to complete one of the assignments without a baby in my lap. When he’s asleep in my lap, I am able to type on my laptop without much discomfort. But, if I am nursing, it’s a bit of a challenge. Regardless, my little one fell asleep after crying out for me. I don’t often have mom guilt, but I really feel bad about this.

I know that he’ll forgive me. Hell, he probably won’t remember it happened, and if he does, it’s not like he’s going to hold a grudge. Babies are forgiving little creatures. Besides, last night he wouldn’t stay asleep even when he was laying right next to me. I forgave him for that, so surely he will be okay with me accidentally letting him cry himself to sleep.

Well, I’m Glad That’s Over.

writing 1 Response »

Feb 032013

I wasn’t sure if I was going to do a monthly re-cap in regards to the progress of my new year’s to-do list, but since I did it last year I figured I may as well keep the tradition alive.

So… January! What a great month, right? Not so fast, chief. January means a sunny, warm day followed by three days of freezing temperatures and ice (at least, this is what it means in Texas). January means minimal sunny days, actually. I’m not saying that I felt overly depressed this month, but there were two weeks where we didn’t go anywhere and it kind of got me down. I felt a bit under the weather for about a week — there wasn’t anything pointedly wrong with me — so the kids and I lounged around in our pajamas for a week, watching TV like it was our job. Then, the next week Avery got sick, actually sick (upper respiratory infection caused by a virus- according to her pediatrician), so we spent another week indoors. She would appear to be feeling better, so I would try to coax her into going to the park or the mall or something, anything, that was outside of the house; she wasn’t interested. We are all better now except for Jacob — he appears to have contracted something that makes him all snotty. It’s pretty gross and I’m doing my best to avoid him which is a challenge since we sleep just a few inches from each other.

ANYWAY, new year’s to-do list… Let’s do this:

1. Get my family to the dentist. Not yet! I totally forgot about this one (way to go, Lauren!) so I guess I’ll need to make it my goal for February instead. Do babies need to go to the dentist?

2. Complete C25k training program (Couch to 5k) and participate in the Big D Texas Marathon 5k race on Sunday, April 14, 2013. I just completed Week 3, Day 3 of Couch to 5k. I can’t say enough good things about this program! My workout routine is pretty simple- I put Henry to bed by 11pm and then I drive the 1/10th mile to my gym (I walked there a few times but even in my safe neighborhood, I still felt weird so I started driving there instead) and spend about 90 minutes in there. The training program takes about 30 minutes, and then I pedal on the recumbent bicycle for an hour while reading on my Nook or watching TV. So far, I am on track to meet my goal and to have a successful race. I still need to register for it- I kept putting it off due to a lack of funds, but the longer I delay signing up, the more expensive it will be and it will sell out at some point. I’ll sign up tomorrow.

3. Complete 5k-to-10k training program and participate in the Hottest Half & 10k TBD – I have to complete #2 first.

4. Train for and run a half marathon by the end of the year. TBD.

5. Eliminate processed foods from my family’s diet as well as cut out gluten as much as possible. We did pretty well last month, but it is hard to break free of junk and conveneience foods. Our meals consist of whole foods except for bread. Since we are trying to spend less, I have had to cut back on what I buy at the grocery store. I am no longer buying organic items unless it happens to cost the same or less than its non-organic counterpart. At this time, we simply cannot afford it, and I’m not going to allow myself to feel bad about what I’m feeding my family. We eat healthy, balanced meals. End of story. Oh, except for pizza night. Then it’s ZOMG CHEEEEEEEEEEEESE. No regrets.

6. Spend more quality time with Avery. I have been working hard on this one and I hope that it’s making a difference with her. Most days, we do some school work which involves a lesson about a letter and a number, and we usually do some sort of art project or craft. I get ideas from Pinterest, but for the most part I’m just winging it. Sometimes, I will ask her what she wants to do, and that’s what we do. Child-led learning, right? I have no specific goals for her education since she’s not even four yet. The girl knows her letters and numbers, she can spell her name and a couple of other words that she memorized, and she has continued to show interest in learning how to read. That’s more than I could ask for out of her.

7. Have a more structured routine during the week. YES! I put together a schedule and we tried it out for an entire week to see if it worked for us as well as what adjustments needed to be made. We now use a more loose schedule since that seems to work better for us. I don’t worry about how long something is going to take- we just do whatever the scheduled item is, and if it takes up a lot of time, so be it. It’s not like a long breakfast is going to ruin school time or push everything else back, leading to a total breakdown of structure and civilization. Basically, we get up around 9am, have breakfast, get dressed, go to the park or for a walk, come back and do school work, have lunch, go on an outing (the mall play area, Chick-Fil-A play area, another park, etc.), come home and take a nap, get ready for dinner, eat, have family time, then it’s time to get ready for bed. This all occurs betweent 9am and 9pm. It is a full day, even if it seems like we don’t really do much. Avery also has plenty of time to play during the day. It is really a very loose schedule. We just kind of go with the flow. The important thing for us is to do things in a certain order.

Henry: Three Months Old

family 6 Responses »

Jan 312013

Dear Henry,

You are currently napping in my lap as you do after nearly every time you eat, and since you have the sniffles I can hear every breath you take. While it is reassuring to know that you are still breathing, it makes me sad that you have a virus and there is nothing I can do but help you drain your nose (and you hate it when I do it, oh man, do you ever hate it). Your cough sounds just about the worst thing I’ve ever heard, especially when it’s coming from your crib at 1am. I hope it’ll pass soon considering I can’t exactly give you anything for it.

In the past month, you have started laughing! A genuine laugh in reaction to something you see or hear! It’s one of the most joyous sounds I have ever heard in my entire life, and in order to hear it I will make the weirdest faces and strangest noises for you just to hear it. Your laugh, sweet boy, would put a smile on anyone’s face. The first person to get you to really laugh was your Grandpa Mike; it’s no surprise that you laughed for him since he happens to be a pretty funny guy.

A couple of days ago, your daddy thought that he felt some toothy bumps in your mouth. Teeth! What a big deal! You don’t appear to be suffering much from this new development but don’t worry, babycakes, you will.

Yesterday, you rolled over from your back to your side! You have become so active lately and are a master wiggler. When I put you on your plat mat on the floor, you kick and pump your legs so much that you end up in a different spot than where I left you. I don’t think I can leave you on the sofa or ottoman for much longer without the risk of you scooting or rolling off.

There is one thing that I find a little disappointing: you don’t like it when I wear you in a carrier. You love being held and carried around, but you fuss and cry when I put you in the sling or Ergo. I would rather wear you than leave you in your carseat when we are out and about, but when you hate being worn as much as you do I have no other choice. I will keep trying, though, because I love having you right next to me. Comply, darn you!

You are my sweet boy, Henry. I love you so very much.

Love,

Mama

Still sick.

writing 1 Response »

Jan 292013

Parenting is hard. Parenting with two kids whose heads are full of snot is harder. Both of my kids have been fighting a virus this past week – one that gives them endless drainage and a cough that rivals that of a lifetime smoker’s. It’s gross. There are tissues and nasal aspirators and saline flushes occurring all day (and night, in the baby’s case) in my house. Since my kids sound pretty awful, I certainly cannot take them anywhere they might be around other children because I don’t want them to get anyone else sick. This basically means that we have been trapped inside the house for over a week. Sure, we’ve made an excursion or two to the grocery store and once to the park, but that’s it. Avery has not felt like riding her bicycle, which can be done without coughing on or around other kids, in over a week. I just want to get out of the house, even for a stroll around the block, but she balks at the idea. Perhaps it’s her way of avoiding putting on pants. Clever girl.

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