I have an anxiety disorder. I don’t handle high-stress situations with any grace. I fall apart when I am put under pressure or when things don’t go as i had planned. I set perfectionist-high expectations not only myself but on everyone else and when anyone, including myself, falls short, I lose it. It’s not pretty.
My anxiety comes in waves. I can go months without having an issue, but when the beast decides to show itself, it wastes no time in wrecking everything in its path. I am currently not on medication for it because I thought that I was better. My post-partum anxiety/depression appeared to have tapered off like it’s supposed to, and then I took up yoga which seemed to help for a while.
But, yoga is pricey so I had to quit taking classes (and don’t suggest that I do it at home. I have tried and it is NOT the same and it does nothing for me). Rather than do something else like running, I gave up on all types of physical activity. I also started eating like I was on death row. I gained eight pounds the first week I stopped going to yoga.
It’s a safe assumption that I’m unhappy. So very, wholly unhappy. I yell at my husband and daughter. I get furious when one of the kids wakes up in the middle of the night, as if they are purposefully denying me sleep. Everything is my fault, and nothing is my fault. I have no control. I have lost control.
While I believe that I know what I need to do, I’m not sure if I can make it happen, or if I’m willing to do it. I need to get back on my medication. That’s easy; I have an appointment with my doctor on Thursday. The other pieces of the puzzle are a bit trickier even though they really aren’t. I need to see a counselor or therapist. Ugh. I have no issue with therapy but when do I go? During my lunch hour? Then, I can’t pick up the kids and Jacob early enough to get home before the sun goes down, therefore pushing back our evening routine by half-an-hour. Weekends? Do therapists have office hours on Saturday? This seems unlikely. Also, if I go to a therapist during my lunch, it would have to be somewhere within a reasonable driving distance from my office. And, I prefer a woman. So far, one search on my insurance company’s website has left me with unsatisfactory results. All men.
I also need to start exercising again, but by the time I finish preparing dinner, eating dinner, bathing the kids, and putting them to bed (yes, Jacob and I tag-team on the bedtime routine so I’m not doing it alone), it’s after 8pm and I am tired and would prefer to just rest on the couch. Should I bail on my family in the evenings so I can go to the gym? I would like to get back into running but I hate the idea of starting over. I never ran fast, but the last time I worked at it I was able to run for thirty minutes without stopping or slowing down. Knowing where I used to be and how far I’ve slipped backward is depressing.
I know that I eat my feelings, and mine taste like Halloween candy. If there is any junk in the house, I will eat it. I will find something unhealthy in a house full of healthy options. I eat at night which is a no-no if you want to lose weight, but I feel like I have no willpower. I need the satiation. I need the comfort.
I want to get better and be better and do better.
This week got off to a bumpy start with a shitty night’s sleep but I’d like to turn it around. All I can think about is sleep and being left alone but I know that won’t solve anything.
I made an appointment to see my doctor on Thursday to discuss getting back on my medication. So that’s step one. I would like to join the rec center in our town since it’s only $20 per month and there are a couple of group fitness classes in the evenings- including yoga- and getting out of the house at a specific time each night will be good for me. However, I feel like that $20 won’t be seen as a necessary expenditure for the sake of my mental and physical health and well-being. There will be a justification as to why the cost isn’t worth it. I’m anticipating this discussion and already getting upset at what I consider to be unfair.
Why bother having a talk about it at all if you know how it’s going to play out? I don’t think that I’m worthless but maybe I really am.