Dr. Lauren is self-diagnosing! I can’t pretend anymore – it’s time to call a spade a spade.
While a medical professional has not stamped me with this I am going to assume that I have post partum depression (PPD). WebMD lists the symptoms of PPD:
-Depressed mood-tearfulness, hopelessness, and feeling empty inside, with or
without severe anxiety.
-Loss of pleasure in either all or almost all of
your daily activities.
-Appetite and weight change-usually a drop in
appetite and weight, but sometimes the opposite.
-Sleep problems-usually
trouble with sleeping, even when your baby is sleeping.
-Noticeable change
in how you walk and talk-usually restlessness, but sometimes sluggishness.
-Extreme fatigue or loss of energy.
-Feelings of worthlessness or guilt,
with no reasonable cause.
-Difficulty concentrating and making decisions.
-Thoughts about death or suicide. Some women with PPD have fleeting,
frightening thoughts of harming their babies: these thoughts tend to be fearful
thoughts, rather than urges to harm.
Let’s examine this, shall we? Depressed? Sometimes. I’m tearful but that’s because I’m emotional. We all cry while watching The Biggest Loser, right? Anxiety? YES. I have so much anxiety that I’m surprised that I don’t just hide out at my mom’s house all day until JuJu gets home from work. Loss of pleasure? When I do actually go somewhere completely alone that’s how I feel – completely alone. I do feel worthless when I look around me and the house is messy (or at least it feels messy to me which is actually not really messy at all) because while I know I’ve been taking care of Peanut all day I somehow should have been able to clean too. I feel weak. I feel stupid. I don’t, however, think about killing myself or Peanut. I worry about others trying to harm her which causes me to be anxious all of the time.
FOR EXAMPLE: It’s cool and breezy outside tonight thanks to the forty-billion consecutive rainy days we’ve had so all day I left the patio doors open. We live on the third floor so I didn’t mind leaving them open since I was home all day anyway. But once it’s bedtime? Hell no. The doors to the patio are closed and locked. And before I go to bed I check the locks on the front door too. JuJu and I always lock the deadbolt when we’re home. It’s a habit and there has never been a time when it wasn’t locked. Yet, I check it. Visual confirmation is enough for me – I don’t physically touch the locks but why do I need to check in the first place?
I can’t sleep. During the day I sleep just fine. I love naps but I also love going for walks and visiting my mom and crafting and these are things that take place during the day. If I take a nap then those things are taken from me. You know what robs me of the things I enjoy doing? INSOMNIA. Why can’t I sleep? Because my daughter is in another room. She sleeps longer and better when she’s not right next to me. When we co-sleep she tends to nurse all night and that keeps me awake but it also keeps her from fully going to sleep. At least that’s what it seems like to me. She sleeps more soundly by herself. So she’s swaddled in her crib. Far away from me. I hear nothing on her monitor. Maybe a flicker of static. I’m back where I was when we first brought her home. If she wasn’t making noises then it HAD TO BE because she wasn’t breathing. I couldn’t sleep either way. I need to sleep. I don’t like sleeping until noon. I’d rather go to bed when JuJu does and wake up rested and chirpy in the morning. I don’t like staying up until 4am because my mind won’t let my body sleep. I want my mind to SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Seriously, nothing bad is going to happen. Peanut will not die every time she falls asleep. No one is going to yank her out of my arms or break into our apartment. We aren’t going to get into a car accident or be held up at gun point. Her nursery isn’t haunted (I don’t even believe in ghosts so how fucked up is that?). There are no knife-wielding psychos at the mall. My mommy group friends aren’t going to kidnap Peanut while I use the restroom. Her pediatrician isn’t going to administer any vaccinations that I tell her not to give Peanut (she nor I will be getting the H1N1 vaccine).
The world isn’t that bad. Why can’t I trust anyone? Why am I so scared?
I’m done. I will be finding a psychiatrist who will hopefully prescribe me something that I can take while breastfeeding. I will pour out my thoughts to this person so that I can stop burdening my family and friends with it. I will get better. I will be a great mother, a kickass wife, a brilliant student, and a good friend.
The suckage stops now! Well, once I get help. Tonight is another sleepless night.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I hope that you can find a doctor who can give you something to help. Depression and anxiety suck, so kick their butts outta your life while it's just PPD and not life-long depression like I have.
I am telling you, just call the OB and get some drugs. I asked about it before I even delivered, just in case, and she said she would just call it in to the pharmacy. Super Easy! Also see if they have referrals for someone to talk to or just purge your soul to twitter and your blog, but remember we aren't profesional and might say stupid stuff at times.
The constant rain doesn't help and when you can get out in the sunshine and also get some sleep, you will feel dramatically better.
You want to build an ark with me? No animals though, I'm allergic.
Hugs!
I have to disagree with the above commenter who said to just ask your OB for drugs. Everyone is different and without talking to you in depth, an accurate diagnosis can't be made. Different meds do different things and you need to make sure you get the one that is right for you.
Talking to someone will definitely help. And if it doesn't then try someone else, because not all therapists are perfect for each person either. Hope you get some relief soon.
Um, you just described my first year of motherhood. Except I told no one. I had my suspicions that it wasn't good…
You just quoted my favorite song. I will now follow you obsessively.
I agree with Alicia, do call and talk to someone, but don't just start taking any drug. Research it. Make sure you get outside if only for a few minutes every day. Since you said it rainy, it might be harder to do, but sunshine, 15 mins morning and evening really helps lift the mood (per my midwife when Gwennie was born. It helped.)
Brookleen is a friend IRL and she knows that I plan on seeing a counselor so no worries.
Anon- I'm sorry that you never told anyone. What you experienced and what I'm currently going through is definitely not normal. I hope that everything turned out alright for you and your family.
Been to a psychiatrist and they do the same thing the OB will do. They generally start you on Prozac or some other common SSRI (I'm not sure there is much else to choose from when you are breast feeding) and then if that doesn't work, you try something else. I imagine OB's see more PPD than psychiatrists do anyway.
Psychiatrists generally don't councel (insurance doesn't pay for in depth analysis)and counselors can't get drugs, so you have to see two people. It's annoying and a hassle that someone who is having problems doesn't need.
Getting the ball rolling on this kind of this is really sucky.
The sun was out this afternoon, maybe we can get out in it soon.
I am sorry you have PPD… I am sorry that you have such terrible anxiety…
I hope you can find the help you need to try to feel better… and do not let anyone let you feel that some how you are choosing this… Depression is a disease.. you can't just wake up and decide I'm not depressed anymore.
Hang in there sweetie! And please talk to your doctor if you think medical intervention can help!
It's completely normal to feel anxious, especially with your first baby, but if you feel like it's taking over your life, it's good that you are speaking out and reaching out. That's the first step!
I admit it, I still check my 5mo. old baby to make sure she is still breathing. And this is my 4th kid! Hormones are wacky and make us do things that we think are crazy. I feel ya, and I hope things get better soon! Be gentle with yourself, you won't even remember if your kitchen was clean, but you will remember the moments spent playing with your baby. Enjoy it, soon enough she will be 13, and in middle school…
I had really, REALLY severe near post-partum psychosis after Alex was born (no sleep + all stress = breakdown) and I made it. You can too.
I'm really sorry, friend.
I went to my OB, got a script for Vitamin Z and haven't looked back since. If you need an ear or a shoulder, you know where to find me.
Hang in there.
xoxo.
well, hope things get better for you..whether it is ppd or just stress of being a new mommy…I know how crazy things can get, but am no Dr to diagnose you or to tell you what you should or shouldn't do or take…I can just hope you get help and get better =)
Well, now I feel really bad for what I wrote in the last post – I was totally *not* serious, I mean, you know, rarely am I ever serious.
At least you are talking/blogging about it, releasing it, letting people know and seeing that other people are going through it too.
I'm glad you have an appointment… now go snuggle with your lovely.
what you're going through is brutal, and not addressed adequately in the medical field. i had postpartum depression which manifested thru serious anxiety (we practically LIVED at kaiser during M's first few months b/c i was convinced she'd get aspiration pneumonia every time she spit up. seriously.) my doctor told me that what i was feeling was "normal."
right. it's normal to fantasize about slitting your wrists?
i hope you will get the help you need — let us know what ends up working so the rest of us can try it when we're fucked over again in PPD Land