So there was this weird little article on some British “news” site about the benefits of spanking.
WHAT?
Yeah. You read that right.
Benefits? To spanking?
Apparently if you spank your TWO YEAR OLD he or she will do better in school.
While this may or may not be true the benefits of spanking (which I still doubt) do not in ANY way outweigh the negatives.
Were you spanked as a child? I was. I was spanked until I was about thirteen years old. And while I don’t vividly recall any one particular incident I do remember feeling humiliated. Spanking only shows the child that physical violence against another person is acceptable as long as you are doing it with love. Wait. That doesn’t sound right. If you love someone why would you EVER hit them?
And I’m not talking about a little swat on the hand. I’m talking about spanking. You know the difference so don’t try to split hairs with me on a technicality.
I’m sure that my generation’s parents were spanked (and possibly worse) and they ‘turned out okay.’ And my parents spanked my sister and me and we ‘turned out okay.’ Really? Is OKAY enough for us?
And what if your child hits another child? How do you discipline him/her for this behavior? If spanking is your go-to method of discipline doesn’t this create a ‘do as I say not as I do’ scenario?
And that, my friends, is lose-lose. Violence begats violence.
Here is how I see spanking. I did it with my 3 daughters. I did it mildly and early then was done with it. I am not sure, but I don't remember spanking them beyond the age of 5 or 6. I spanked them to cause an awareness of consequences when the real consequences of their behavior could have been very dangerous or fatal to themselves or others.
Spanking a 13 year old? That's ridiculous. A 13 year old is a person to be reasoned with, to have a discussion with, and to teach, not to spank. Punishment and correction from parents must evolve with the age and growth of the child. As they get older it goes from telling them what to do to teaching them what to do to talking to them about what to do. Spanking is only done when that first phase of 'telling' isn't effective. That's my opinion anyway.
I do think families can raise wonderful (not just OK) children with spanking or without spanking. I don't think that is the defining feature of a healthy family.
About 'violence' – in my mind the act of causing some level of pain isn't always violence. Spanking that is done in anger, with violence, isn't effective. Calm, deliberate spanking (that isn't overly harsh) can be effective I think and is not what I call violence. Of course definitions vary, but that is my threshold at least.
Yes, spanking to the age of 13 is ridiculous. Seriously even in this article it says that its wrong. A 13 yr old can understand more than a younger child.
I fully admit to the occasional smack on the bottom. Never hard because I don't want to hurt them, but seriously sometimes its the only thing I have found that works. When my oldest was under 1, and I had no idea about parenting, I too prescribed to the no-spank philosophy. (I also swore my child would NOT have sugar all day…um, yeah that went out the window.) Every child is different, and every situation is, too. There are times when words work best. I never spank my 8 year old, she understands the consequences.
Try not to pass judgment until you are actually there, with your 3 or 4 year old who is that "terror child" in a situation. Although I hope that you never have that problem.
I'm not trying to start shit with you or anything but I seem to recall you posting not that long ago about how you would never CIO and then you apologized for being so judgmental to other parents. I think you should learn from your previous situation and maybe not cast the first stone until you've actually been in that situation, after all your only child isn't even of age to really spank. I think the two previous comments had a lot of good things to say about spanking and maybe you should keep an open mind or simply say "that isn't the way I choose to parent" but basically knocking parents who spank seems a little judgmental and frankly, ignorant.
I'm sorry my comment was a little mean but I couldn't go through this post without commenting and saying something I felt needed to be said.
When I was a little my parents spanked me. It really didn't bother me, because it was the norm in the households around us.
My husband also came from a household that spanked.
We didn't feel a negative attitude towards it, but we did decide that we would use it as a last resort with our children. And we would never spank at of anger.
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
When I was a little my parents spanked me. It really didn't bother me, because it was the norm in the households around us.
My husband also came from a household that spanked.
We didn't feel a negative attitude towards it, but we did decide that we would use it as a last resort with our children. And we would never spank at of anger.
Hugs and Mocha,
Stesha
Two things.
One, and I know this seems silly, but that "news" source that you doubt so much? Is the UK's Daily Mail. That's not just some
'silly' news source. And perhaps you should take into consideration that it came from the UK, a place that has (and I'm not providing stats here, I do realize that) smarter people and a lot less crime than the US. I'm just saying. Maybe they have a good point.
Second, I spanked my daughter. I don't have friends with bad children because I don't like to deal with their children. Those parents? Usually don't discipline their kids. They believe in all that hogwash about letting them be their own people and BS like that. The parents that have respectful kids, those are all parents who disciplined their children. My friend has 5 kids from ages 2-17 and they would all show you respect and call you Ma'am from the moment they met you because they learned respect and they are well behaved. There aren't many adults now that would even do that.
I am sorry, but if you look at history in the US every generation was disciplined less and every generation was more and more horrible, violent and stupid. Our kids now have no manners, and are rude and think they can get away with anything. In my opinion they need disciplined more.
I have to agree with Allie on her point about your child being too young to spank, when she gets older then maybe you should revisit this subject. Addressing it now is almost like someone who has no children weighing in on it, you just aren't there yet. I'm sorry, but opinions change with time, and yours might.
I've gotta agree, it's up to the parent to decide this and not anyone else. For every anecdote about someone being beat or humiliated, there's one out there about someone being spanked as a kid and it being no big deal. I'm in that second category. I was only spanked when I was little. My parents never spanked in anger and they never beat me or were unreasonable- and it was NEVER violent. I remember being spanked. It hurt. I also remember most of the things I was spanked for. I was a little shit! I have no trauma or bad memories from it, and…. I turned out OK. And yeah, OK is good enough for me. OK implies a not screwed up, normal functioning human being. Of course I want my kids to be fabulous as adults but there is absolutely zero connection between that and if they get a swat on the butt for doing something they've been told 300 times not to do.
And as far as the kid hitting other kids? I don't punch my kid in the arm, so that's not "as I do". I also drink alcohol, drive cars, shave my legs, and have sex, but I don't permit my children to do those things. "do as I say, not as I do" has always bugged me. They are CHILDREN and no, they don't get to DO the same things as adults, they have to do as we SAY.
Maybe that's the problem with kids now. Kids are horribly behaved these days! I swear it just keeps getting worse. I see kids doing things that I just never would have dreamed of doing when I was little! I do not want to be the lady with the evil devilspawn brats. There are enough of those out there. I want to use spanking as a tool to teach my children how to be respectful and appropriate, for times when other disciplinary measures don't work.
I have a rowdy and energetic 3 year old, and I do not spank. Why? Because I remember being spanked and how it made me feel. I don't ever want to put my kid through that, so I get you.
I've been told numerous times, "wait until she's 2! then you'll change your tune. you have no idea what's in store for you."
Well, I went through the entire terrible 2s (and they were pretty fantastically terrible at times), and I did not spank my child.
Unfortunately, arguing this particular subject gets quite ugly, and neither side will ever really see eye to eye. But I wanted you to know that I GET YOU.
Oh, also, my kid is very polite and is well-behaved in public. And I let her "be her own person and all that BS" to paraphrase. Why do I do that? Because she IS a person. She has wants, needs, and desires just like you and me, and if it's not going to hurt anyone, I do not see a problem with letting her voice those wants. I hope for her to grow up a well-adjusted, strong woman. She already has strong convictions at 3, and although it's sometimes taxing, I'm so damn proud of her for knowing what she wants.
I spank my kids when they need it. I don't BEAT them, and I certainly don't spank the baby. It's more of a swat and yeah, you know what? I want my kids to respect me, not think of me as a friend. I'm not into the whole un-parenting thing that so many people do now (not that YOU do it).
The vast majority of professionals agree that child buttock-battering isn’t healthy. A marginal few (mostly religious fundamentalists as those at Calvin) think that child bottom-slapping is good. They use the same selective literalist interpretation of the Bible as was used to justify “witch”-burning, depraved torture methods for those accused of sin and heresy, slavery, racism, wife-beating, oppression of women and a host of other social ills.
Child buttock-battering vs. DISCIPLINE:
Child buttock-battering (euphemistically labeled "spanking","swatting","switching","smacking", "paddling",or other cute-sounding names) for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit.
Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing, and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit.
I think the reason why television shows like "Supernanny" and "Dr. Phil" are so popular is because that is precisely what many (not all) people are trying to do.
There are several reasons why child bottom-slapping isn't a good idea. Here are some good, quick reads recommended by professionals:
Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak,
The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson,
NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor M.D. and Adah Maurer Ph.D.
Most compelling of all reasons to abandon this worst of all bad habits is the fact that buttock-battering can be unintentional sexual abuse for some children. There is an abundance of educational resources, testimony, documentation, etc available on the subject that can easily be found by doing a little research with the recommended reads-visit http://www.nospank.net.
Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child bottom-slapping isn't a good idea:
American Academy of Pediatrics,
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry,
Center For Effective Discipline,
Churches' Network For Non-Violence,
Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu,
Parenting In Jesus' Footsteps,
Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children,
United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child.
In 26 countries, child corporal punishment is prohibited by law (with more in process). In fact, the US was the only UN member that did not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child.
WOW! Great comments guys! I am not a fan of un-parenting. My children will be disciplined if they misbehave but I think my feelings about spanking come from my experiences with it as a child and it was flat-out traumatic for me. This is why I wouldn't do it. Also, I think spanking occurs too often when the parent is red-hot mad and it is done so aggressively and not in a manner that is constructive. That's where I'm coming from.
Alicia,
Not meaning to upset anyone but I think I should maybe explain the line you quoted.
I have lived in military installations for 6 years now and have encountered many mothers who let their children do whatever they want and say that they are 'letting them be their own person' and whatnot. This includes letting their kids draw on the living room television with Sharpie markers, pulling food from the fridge and dumping it on the floor and whatnot. (and no, I am not making those things up, they are real things that parents LET their kids do.)
What I meant was that some parents let their kids get away with murder and claim it as 'letting them learn' or 'be their own person'. Those people use it as an excuse. You use it in the correct way, letting your child learn who they are and explore their world. I meant no disrespect toward you.
I agree that there are households in which there is an astounding lack of order or discipline of any kind, very frustrating to see. But the idea that the choice is between hitting and doing nothing is false. When parents have appropriate discipline tools, things go a lot smoother.
People used to think it was necessary to "spank" adult members of the community, military trainees, and prisoners. In some countries they still do. In our country, it is considered sexual assault if a person over the age of 18 is "spanked".
I whole-heartedly agree that spanking over a certain age is wrong. My son just turned 6 and can now reason somewhat so spanking isn't my discipline of choice because the results are much better talking to him or taking away things. I still occasionally spank my 4 year old but she's also getting to an age that other forms of discipline work better. I think spanking is appropriate for a small child, not smaller than a year though, if it is something serious (such as running in the street) because talking and reasoning doesn't work because their brains can't understand that. I think there is a difference between spanking and beating and I don't ever think it is okay to spank in anger. I'm not going to lie, I have spanked in anger but I was very upset with myself after and I make sure to walk away if I am too upset now.
I think when people talk about spanking people that are anti-spanking automatically think about abusive parents and people that are pro-spanking automatically think about parents that use no discipline. I think it's important to remember that there is a HUGE grey area here and my point from the very beginning is that as parents we shouldn't judge other parents just because they are different. I think being open-minded as a parent is one of the best things you can teach your children.
I'm from the south where parents were encouraged to beat their children.
My parents think every problem that I have with my kids stems from the fact that I don't spank them. And they are completely serious.
Spanking I think (like anything) should be used in moderation. And only on age-appropriate children. It's definitely a touchy subject, but I don't think a swat on the butt will damage them for life. We got spanked and I turned out fine! At least to me, lol.
I am 13 (boy) and still get spanked, with belt. Once a week usually, because I get often in trouble in school. It is not that terrible, just don't like the visible marks on my legs for the next days as I always get it on bare skin.