A bullet-list post that may feature things that annoy me but mostly random shit that probably doesn’t deserve its own post

 MommyIsRockNRoll  3 Responses »
Mar 312010
 
Today I was informed that too much profanity in ones writing can be a bad thing.
 
SAY WHAAAAAAAT?
 
I suppose I agree. I wish I had the before post to show you but here is the after.
 
  • Oh yeah, bullets.
  • Monday was my birthday and for my special day I ate the largest strawberry I’ve ever seen.
  • It was like six regular strawberries combined into one super strawberry. It did not give me super powers.
  • My favorite jeans right now are the Rockstar jean at Old Navy. No, this isn’t a paid endorsement which is why I’m not going to link to it. I just love them in all of their jegging glory. It makes me feel, well, like a rockstar.
  • My sister is having a wedding in January and I am going to be her wedding coordinator. Oh, and her matron of honor. Thanks, Kel! If you think I turn into the Hulk when I don’t get my way multiply that times BIPOLAR DISORDER and you’ve got my sister. Whatev. It’s going to be beautiful and let’s face it- I know how to throw a killer party.
  • I need a pedicure like a crackwhore needs crack. My feet are a busted-up mess.
  • My daughter can officially walk but only when she feels like it. I have been cursed with a child as stubborn as myself. Sorry, mom and dad. A million times I’m sorry.
  • On Friday Bobbi Janay, Stefanie, and I (and some friends of ours) will be getting swanked up and hitting the town to drink, sing karaoke, and get some piercings. What happens in Lower Greenville…. ;-)
  

 
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 Posted by at 8:29 am

Why children’s birthday parties are always better with alcohol

 MommyIsRockNRoll  7 Responses »
Mar 302010
 

Avery’s first birthday party was Saturday and after freaking out and having mild panic attacks it went off PERFECTLY.

See what happens when you are an anal retentive control freak?
Perfection. Thankyouverymuch.
It was wonderful to be surrounded by all of the people that love our little family enough to drive to the sticks and stuff their faces with cupcakes and lil’ smokies.
And…. WINE!!
My little angel had a good time playing with her grandparents and friends.
She didn’t get the whole ‘smash cake’ concept but that’s alright because it was still totally cute.
I hope that Avery will look at the photos from her party and know that her mommy and daddy gave her a killer bash and that we love her very much.
Anyway, here’s a slideshow of the party. If you’re viewing this post in a reader you will probably need to pop it into its own window to see the slideshow. Or don’t. Whatev.

 
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 Posted by at 5:48 am

One year ago you were extracted from an incision in my stomach.

 MommyIsRockNRoll  10 Responses »
Mar 252010
 

Avery,

The day you were born forever changed me. Of course it did! I not only have unsightly scars but I became a mom.
One year ago you were extracted from an incision in my stomach and into my heart. You were tiny and perfect and definitely the prettiest newborn I’ve ever seen. You looked so much like me with your red hair and blue eyes and cute little nose. I was relieved that you were finally born so that my feet and face could get back to normal. And also because I couldn’t wait to snuggle you and smell you and kiss you.
The first time you lifted your head, rolled over, smiled, ate solids, crawled, talked (your first word was “mine”), and your first steps (which I STILL haven’t gotten on video).
I have watched you grow and explore your new world and I thank you for letting me tag along.
Avery, your daddy and I love you so much. Happy birthday, baby.


 
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 Posted by at 5:17 am

Everything’s dirtier in the south

 MommyIsRockNRoll  2 Responses »
Mar 232010
 
I have two posts up over at Deep South Moms. You should check them out. They’re chock-full of the funny and hey, it’s BRAND NEW CONTENT!
 
And while you’re there leave a comment will ya?!
 
I don’t want “The Man” to think they made a bad decision by bringing me on board.
 
Dude. You all know I don’t care. But seriously. It’s good stuff. The other contributors are a decent read too. Check that shit out.

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 Posted by at 7:10 am

I bet werewolves don’t have marital problems.

 MommyIsRockNRoll  10 Responses »
Mar 212010
 
I was pissed off at my husband today. Not just at him but at Avery for cutting her finger on god-only-knows-what and at my niece for blocking my view of this by standing in front of the TV. At my sister for not wanting to go to Old Navy with me. At the snow. At the toys strewn all over my house.
 
You get the picture.
 
I WAS PISSED.
 
And I don’t know why.
 
I yelled at Jacob and made him run to the store to get dinner and a pregnancy test. Spiking hormones could mean many things but I figured that after not being careful a few times (you know, UNPROTECTED SEX. Sorry dad) it was possible that I could be pregnant.
 
After eating a fucking meat-laden pizza (seriously, after cutting out meat and dairy this week I backslid in a big way and now feel gross) I pissed on a stick.
 
Don’t worry. It was negative.
 
Part of me (the small awww aren’t newborns so cute? part) was hoping it would be positive because then I’d know why I was so hormonal. Now? I’m completely at a loss.
 
I thought I was going to throw the D word at my husband today but lucky for him I noticed that Avery had gone number two and I realized that if we got divorced I’d ALWAYS have to change her diapers.
 
Just kidding. I change all of them now.
 
No. Just kidding about the divorce part. Not going to happen. EVER.
 
I really want to make things better in our marriage. I know what I need to do to improve myself but unfortunately I can’t change me AND him. I would never expect him to change but I do expect him to take care of his health, his house, and his family. He needs to figure out what to do to improve his life and I need to focus on ME.
 
All work and no play makes Lauren go crazy.

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 Posted by at 4:49 am

#3 with a bullet

 MommyIsRockNRoll  16 Responses »
Mar 172010
 

Today is Saint Patrick’s Day and it’s also mine and Jacob’s third wedding anniversary. I’m not one to write mushy love notes so hang in there as you read it. It gets better at the end. Also? I posted a handful of photos from our wedding. Because I know you little voyeurs eat up that shit.

Jacob,

I have started this note over four times.

I never thought that I’d be at a loss for words. I can always find what I want to say even if it isn’t the most eloquent or poetic (it’s usually neither of those things) but it seems like nothing would sound right. Nothing would adequately sum up my feelings for you.

You are the best partner I could have asked for and I am so proud to be married to you. You keep me calm when I’m boiling under the surface. You know exactly what to say to make me smile. You fill in the gaps of my movie trivia knowledge.

We are MEANT TO BE.

I love you so damn much and while I act like a bitch sometimes I just want you to know that it has nothing to do with you. Unless, of course, you did something stupid like not read my mind about doing the dishes. Then you get what’s coming to you.

I love you more than words, buddy.

Love, You smokin’ hot wife.


Our cupcake wedding cake.
It was tasty! (the kiss AND the cupcake!)


Of course I had my green on but those shoes, while totally cute, fucking hurt my toes.


My toss bouquet was some cheapy from the grocery store.

Of COURSE we had green beer on tap at our wedding. The glasses are engraved with Mrs. and Mr. and our wedding date 3.17.07.


 
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 Posted by at 5:52 am

Right on track with ‘normal.’

 MommyIsRockNRoll  7 Responses »
Mar 142010
 

I noticed while scrolling through my blog’s front page (I read my blog a lot; I’m my biggest fan) that I haven’t posted any photos of the kiddo in awhile. Her birthday is coming up in eleven days so it will be baby photostravaganza around here but until then I have to churn out original content and that hurts my head. So here’s something totally cute to watch instead of whatever it is you normally watch while not getting anything accomplished.

Maybe I’m expecting too much of my little Peanut but I’m surprised that she isn’t walking all of the time yet. She will take a few steps and then decide to crawl the rest of the way. We haven’t pushed her and she is held a lot which may affect her desire/ability to walk. I try to not worry about her development since she has been either early or right on track with what’s ‘normal.’ But it’s a mom thing. She may not want to walk yet but she’s definitely fucking brilliant.

 
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 Posted by at 7:19 am

I feel like I’m going to throw up.

 MommyIsRockNRoll  12 Responses »
Mar 112010
 

I feel like I’m going to throw up.
But at least my tits look AH-MAZING.
I’m going to take this one sentence at a time until a story, anecdote, recipe, whatever, starts appearing on the screen.
I’m kidding about the recipe. I have posted recipes on this damn thing before but that isn’t what this blog is about. Or is it. WHY AM I HERE? I guess posting my baking and cooking attempts is relevant to the “point” I’m trying to make with this thing. Which is what?
Oh yeah. I suck at baking and cooking.

Actually, that isn’t entirely true. I make a rad vegetable lasagna. And notice how I didn’t call it vegetarian lasagna? Just because something is vegetarian-friendly doesn’t make it vegetarian. Whatever. We usually don’t eat meat when we’re at home. Did you know that? We’re part-time vegetarians. But we’re full-time BADASSES.

Avery’s birthday party is coming up very soon and my head is already spinning in regards to the menu. I plan on making the cupcakes and her smash cake but as for everything else? I’m buying it pre-made. I get wicked stressed out when I’m planning parties especially when it comes to the food.

My niece’s second birthday party was in November and OF COURSE I made all of the arrangements. It was pretty much thrown together at the last moment (which is awesome when you freak out under pressure) and I baked the cupcakes and ended up totally fucking up the frosting. It was from a can and ready to go. It should have been Lauren-proof.

It was not.

I wanted to put the frosting in a pastry bag and ice the cupcakes that way because I figured it would look nicer that way. I should not have tried a new technique twenty minutes before the party but hey, it was canned icing! EASY! The frosting was kind of too thick to put into the bag so I nuked it in the microwave.

What went into the microwave was frosting. What came out was oil and cream and this separated mess.

I poured the disaster into the bag and since the pastry bag tip was open it started coming out all over the counter. And it SMELLED. BAD.

I got it to stop and put the bag of oily frosting into the freezer to help thicken it back up. I pretty much ruined it but at this point I still have hope. With ten minutes left before we needed to head to the party I began to cry. I told Jacob through frustrated tears that I didn’t want to go to this fucking party and that I should have just bought cupcakes and why did I agree to host the party and WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Jacob told me to suck it up and quit being a drama queen (or he hugged me and told me that it would be okay) and on our way to the party we stopped at the store and got the frosting that comes out the can like cheese whiz and I decorated the cupcakes once we arrived to the party location and the day was saved.

Now it’s time for Avery’s birthday party and I’m going to put myself through this shit again.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Don’t answer that. Just teach me how to not fuck up frosting.

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 Posted by at 8:29 am
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