Oh yeah, bullets.
Monday was my birthday and for my special day I ate the largest strawberry I’ve ever seen.
It was like six regular strawberries combined into one super strawberry. It did not give me super powers.
My favorite jeans right now are the Rockstar jean at Old Navy. No, this isn’t a paid endorsement which is why I’m not going to link to it. I just love them in all of their jegging glory. It makes me feel, well, like a rockstar.
My sister is having a wedding in January and I am going to be her wedding coordinator. Oh, and her matron of honor. Thanks, Kel! If you think I turn into the Hulk when I don’t get my way multiply that times BIPOLAR DISORDER and you’ve got my sister. Whatev. It’s going to be beautiful and let’s face it- I know how to throw a killer party.
I need a pedicure like a crackwhore needs crack. My feet are a busted-up mess.
My daughter can officially walk but only when she feels like it. I have been cursed with a child as stubborn as myself. Sorry, mom and dad. A million times I’m sorry.
Avery’s first birthday party was Saturday and after freaking out and having mild panic attacks it went off PERFECTLY.
Today is Saint Patrick’s Day and it’s also mine and Jacob’s third wedding anniversary. I’m not one to write mushy love notes so hang in there as you read it. It gets better at the end. Also? I posted a handful of photos from our wedding. Because I know you little voyeurs eat up that shit.
I have started this note over four times.
I never thought that I’d be at a loss for words. I can always find what I want to say even if it isn’t the most eloquent or poetic (it’s usually neither of those things) but it seems like nothing would sound right. Nothing would adequately sum up my feelings for you.
You are the best partner I could have asked for and I am so proud to be married to you. You keep me calm when I’m boiling under the surface. You know exactly what to say to make me smile. You fill in the gaps of my movie trivia knowledge.
We are MEANT TO BE.
I love you so damn much and while I act like a bitch sometimes I just want you to know that it has nothing to do with you. Unless, of course, you did something stupid like not read my mind about doing the dishes. Then you get what’s coming to you.
I love you more than words, buddy.
Love, You smokin’ hot wife.
Of COURSE we had green beer on tap at our wedding. The glasses are engraved with Mrs. and Mr. and our wedding date 3.17.07.
I noticed while scrolling through my blog’s front page (I read my blog a lot; I’m my biggest fan) that I haven’t posted any photos of the kiddo in awhile. Her birthday is coming up in eleven days so it will be baby photostravaganza around here but until then I have to churn out original content and that hurts my head. So here’s something totally cute to watch instead of whatever it is you normally watch while not getting anything accomplished.
Actually, that isn’t entirely true. I make a rad vegetable lasagna. And notice how I didn’t call it vegetarian lasagna? Just because something is vegetarian-friendly doesn’t make it vegetarian. Whatever. We usually don’t eat meat when we’re at home. Did you know that? We’re part-time vegetarians. But we’re full-time BADASSES.
Avery’s birthday party is coming up very soon and my head is already spinning in regards to the menu. I plan on making the cupcakes and her smash cake but as for everything else? I’m buying it pre-made. I get wicked stressed out when I’m planning parties especially when it comes to the food.
My niece’s second birthday party was in November and OF COURSE I made all of the arrangements. It was pretty much thrown together at the last moment (which is awesome when you freak out under pressure) and I baked the cupcakes and ended up totally fucking up the frosting. It was from a can and ready to go. It should have been Lauren-proof.
It was not.
I wanted to put the frosting in a pastry bag and ice the cupcakes that way because I figured it would look nicer that way. I should not have tried a new technique twenty minutes before the party but hey, it was canned icing! EASY! The frosting was kind of too thick to put into the bag so I nuked it in the microwave.
What went into the microwave was frosting. What came out was oil and cream and this separated mess.
I poured the disaster into the bag and since the pastry bag tip was open it started coming out all over the counter. And it SMELLED. BAD.
I got it to stop and put the bag of oily frosting into the freezer to help thicken it back up. I pretty much ruined it but at this point I still have hope. With ten minutes left before we needed to head to the party I began to cry. I told Jacob through frustrated tears that I didn’t want to go to this fucking party and that I should have just bought cupcakes and why did I agree to host the party and WAH WAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH.
Jacob told me to suck it up and quit being a drama queen (or he hugged me and told me that it would be okay) and on our way to the party we stopped at the store and got the frosting that comes out the can like cheese whiz and I decorated the cupcakes once we arrived to the party location and the day was saved.
Now it’s time for Avery’s birthday party and I’m going to put myself through this shit again.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Don’t answer that. Just teach me how to not fuck up frosting.