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I’m totally hardcore….ABOUT GARDENING.

 

We built a vegetable garden in our backyard in April and so far it has yielded two cucumbers and countless half-eaten tomatoes.

 

First of all, I hate cucumbers and so does Jacob so why do we have two cuke plants? Because we like to waste money. Actually it’s because my mother loves cucumbers and she kind of helped fund this little project.

 

ANYWAY.

 

Our plants are growing and flowering and kicking some botanical ass. They have only had organic plant food and we have not used any pesticides. The latter is about to change. Have you ever heard of the horn worm? Neither had I but this little asshole ate through almost all of the leaves on my tomato plants literally overnight. He (I assume it’s male because he is eating my food instead of finding his own) has eaten our tomatoes that aren’t even ripe yet. We have yet to have a tomato get ripe enough to pick off of the vine. Stupid horn worm.

 

I don’t know anything about organic pesticides and I didn’t want to kill the little fucker so we relocated him to our front yard. We don’t care about our flowerbed (although our HOA does) so I assumed that the horn worm would be happy as a, well, worm on plants. But the next day that little fucker had scooted his way back into the backyard and continued eating MY tomato plants.

 

I’d had enough. Still not wanting to kill him (I am vegan after all) I devised a plan: I would drop the little fucker into a neighbor’s yard. I would choose a house that was far enough away so that Mr. Horn Worm would never find his way back into our yard ever again.

 

But I forgot. Jacob had trapped him in an airtight plastic container with a couple of leaves and that’s where he lived overnight. Sorry, little fucker.

 

The next morning (let’s be honest - it wasn’t morning. It was around noon. I’m lazy) I took the horn worm outside and shook him into my next door neighbor’s yard. That was three days ago.

We haven’t seen him in the garden since.

 

What lesson have I learned from this? Worms are assholes. Tomato eating assholes.

I do not have a green thumb. Often it is soft from a lack of callouses and painted with black nail polish. I don’t get my hands dirty. I don’t do yard work. But when Jacob and I bought our first home I took pride in having my own yard. It is, after all, what everyone sees when they drive past your house. It’s you, in landscaping form, representing your personality and it should reflect who you are.

 

Since I’m ghetto instead of buying actual flowers to plant in my flowerbed I bought a giant bag of butterfly attracting seed mix. I liked the photo on the bag. It looked like a meadow of wildflowers. I have a large flowerbed and I wanted it to have depth and dimension and personality. I wanted it to be different. I didn’t want square bushes or the same ol’ flowers that seem to be trendy in my neighborhood. Fuck that. We are different and we need our flowerbed to reflect it.

 

So I tilled the soil (which is mostly sand) and scattered the various seeds around the bed. After a dose (or six) of plant fertilizer (organic, thank you very much. I do practice what I preach) I was ready to have flowers bloom after a week. Two, tops. Spring was coming and I wanted flowers. Since I wasn’t sure what was in the mix (I’m sure it listed off the flowers on the bag but I threw it away. I didn’t need it for reference because I was going to have beautiful flowers any day now!) when the seedlings started to pop up they all looked like clovers. After about a month I noticed some more variety between the leaves but I still didn’t have any flowers.

 

It has been three months and we finally have flowers! Little pink ones that grow on a vine that is curling around our bushes and spreading across the flowerbed. It looks PRETTY. But that’s it. The rest of the flowers in the mix have failed.

 

Except for one other. These didn’t produce flowers, at least not yet. But their stems were HUGE- half an inch in diameter and about three feet tall. I think they would have bloomed sunflowers which I don’t think are very pretty but I would have been happy for some variety in my flowerbed.

 

HOWEVER, we received a letter from our HOA with a photograph of our flowerbed. The letter stated that we needed to remove the weeds from our flowerbed.

 

WEEDS? There are no fucking WEEDS in my flowerbed.

 

Oh yeah. Sunflowers are weeds. Shit.

 

I’m usually quite stubborn when I’m being told to do something that I don’t want to do but I didn’t want to fight with our HOA. I didn’t like how tall the plants were getting and probably would have yanked them out anyway.

 

So today I removed them. And you know what? Those fuckers were covered in ANTS.

 

I was bitten. Twice. On my hand.

 

Good riddance, soon-to-be sunflowers. You were supposed to attract butterflies, not ants. You have failed and therefore you must die.

 

Or be pulled out of the ground and put in our composter to be broken down to help us grow USEFUL plants. See? Your life has meaning after all.