Jacob, Avery and I were on vacation with his family; his parents, extended family (people I had never seen before) and us were staying in a small town in Canada in a really old house that had been cosmetically updated. Basically? It was a maze and a piece of shit. The plumbing? Fucked up. I somehow stopped up the shower in our bathroom. Jacob was annoyed with me for this. I can’t help it. I’m a hairball.
After a few days of miserable family bonding (I was really fucking uncomfortable) I had had enough. Everyone was sitting around as per usual and I was BORED. It was nighttime and I needed to get out of there as fast as possible.
No one was in our bedroom so I opened up the window and gracelessly crawled out. Freedom!
I ran down to the community “pool” that was closed for the night. It was more like a pond because you couldn’t see the bottom and it wasn’t a cement hole. It was dirt. So yeah. Totally not a pool. Canada, you kill me with your backwardness.
I took off my clothes and dove into the pond. Exhilarating! It was so freeing and the cold water didn’t bother me. I was alone and the only sound was my giggling. After doggy paddling for a bit I got out and dove in again; I wanted to touch the bottom of the pond! I angled myself so that I would dive down instead of forward and off I went. It felt like I was under water for hours. Had time stopped? Was I going to drown? I held my breath but I couldn’t hold it forever. Could I? This started to feel like a dream. Was I actually behaving this way?
Then my hands touched something hard and kind of round. It had a hole in it so I picked it up by the hole (that’s what she said) and swam to the surface with it. There was a dim streetlight nearby so I held the object up to the light. It was a skull. Like, a human skull. Fuck. Had I just found some remains from a murder? I started to panic and wanted to cry but then I saw a tag on it. The skull wasn’t even real. THANKFULLY. Just some rogue Halloween decoration. I dropped it back into the water for someone else to find and went back to swimming.
After a few more minutes of uninhibited bliss I looked up with a panicked racing heartbeat toward a car door slam. Fuck. Just a resident of a nearby house.
I decided to look around me and mad sure that no one was watching me and at the end of the street I saw a police car pulled up next to another police car. The officers in either car were talking with one another and didn’t see me. I assumed. Their presence made me nervous and I certainly didn’t want to get arrested for being naked in public in Canada. I slowly and quietly climbed out of this fabulous hole in the ground and opted to not crawl because I knew there was no way they could see me.
Where did I put my clothes? Oh yeah, on this bench under a fucking street light. Smooth, Lauren. I am not a ninja (and even if I were I wouldn’t tell you) so without bothering to hide in the shadows in order to grab my clothes I just swiftly snatched them up and ran back toward the house. Then I saw the lights. Fucking cop saw my white ass and now I was going to jail for streaking through a neighborhood. Awesome.
I went back to the window that I came out of but I couldn’t crawl back through so I ran to the back porch. It was enclosed and I prayed that the room that was seldom occupied would be empty so that I could get dressed.
Nope. Jacob’s eighteen year old cousin with the dimples and muscles was sitting in a papasan chair reading. Shit. He looked up from his book and smiled while saying, “Are you okay? Do you need help?” I wanted to punch him in his cute face. I also kind of wanted to lick him. The fresh air had made me high and I wasn’t thinking straight. I simply said, “Shhhhh” to him and got dressed. After locating my husband in our bedroom I told him that I went swimming in the pond and that it might have been against the law but I didn’t think that anyone saw me. Yeah, I left out skinny dipping part. My clothes weren’t wet and my husband’s not stupid.
Jacob rolled his eyes at me. He was already frustrated with me for messing up the shower and for complaining about being bored. He was DONE. We went into the kitchen where his family had congregated and told them we would be leaving very early in the morning.
When very early rolled around we got in the car and headed home. Jacob was worried that the cops who saw me from the night before would recognize me (doubtful) so he told me to keep my head down. I laughed at this suggestion. It was night time! There is no way some dumb ol’ cop is going to recognize daylight me from shadow me.
We sat at a stop light on the corner of whatever and who cares? streets and a police car pulls up next to us. I looked over and Jacob with panic in my face and then started to slide down in my seat but it was too late. The cop flipped on his lights and waved a flag for us to pull over once the light changed. I could tell that Jacob was pissed; we didn’t have a lot of money and now we would have to pay a ticket for my being on private property blah blah blah. I wasn’t worried about the money. I was certain that I was going to get arrested.
The cop made us all get out of the car and gathered us on the corner. He stood on a step ladder and said something in French as loud as he could so that the pedestrians could hear his speech. Seriously? Am I being sent to the gallows? The cop went for his handcuffs and I began to cry. I pleaded with him. “Don’t send me to jail! My daughter needs me! Don’t take me away!” The cop looked at my daughter who was in Jacob’s arms and then back at me. He shrugged and put his cuffs away. The cop made me promise that I would never return to Canada ever again and let me go.
Y’all, that was the dream I had last night and I’m glad that I remembered it. I have never been to Canada and Jacob doesn’t even have any male cousins (and if he did they would probably not be attractive). Weird. Oh, but I have been arrested.