The one where I talk about sex and my dad closes the browser window NOW.

 MommyIsRockNRoll  6 Responses »
Nov 302010
 

I am pissed off.

I became a stereotype. My husband did too. I never thought that it would happen to us but alas, it has.

We are the sexless couple.

Obviously we’ve had sex at least once (um, I did bore a child). In fact, you nosy assholes, we used to have sex a lot. Well, not A LOT, but average. Even while I was pregnant we romped about three times a week.

Now? Notsomuch. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. That’s a lie. I totally do. I feel unsexy. I have never been this heavy and being naked is not something I enjoy. I’m always tired. I had a child attached to my tits for over a year and now that I have them back it’s almost like I forgot their other purpose.

Enough of that shit. In an effort to not drive my husband into the arms and bed of another woman I have decided to spice things up! Yes! I, Lauren, will be more saucy. I will make a fucking effort for once.

Enter: the sex toy! A friend of mine sent me a We-Vibe and it rules. It has nine different vibration settings (some were downright painful but most? Excellent.) and even has a charger that plugs into the wall. You know, to use in the outlet behind your bed so that your kid doesn’t find it and use it as a teething toy.

Not that anything like that happened here. Right.

I loved that Jacob wasn’t threatened by having a vibrator join us. My guess is that if it was a 10″ lifelike dildo he probably wouldn’t have been as eager to try it on me. Whatever. It’s little, it’s cute and it feels really good.

Did it make me want to have sex more often? No. But it did spice things up a bit and that’s always nice.

Disclosure blah blah blah: I was given a We-Vibe in exchange for a review-type-thing. So there you go.

 Posted by at 4:50 am

Black and blue Friday

 MommyIsRockNRoll  1 Response »
Nov 262010
 

What would you do to save a few bucks on Christmas presents?

If the answer is “stand in line for hours and then push other people to get toys and act like a fucking asshole” then I have nothing to say to you.

Except that I did it too.

Toys R Us opened at 10pm and by the time we got there at 10:30pm the line was insanely long but manageable. It was, however, pure hell when we finally got inside. The line to check out was so long that it went right through the aisles making it nearly impossible to even walk without bumping into anyone. The employees are TRU were just as confused about the logistics as the customers were. No one knew where the line ended and when an employee tried to designate an end point and re-route the line some customers got very upset. I was carrying Avery while Jacob led the way and after ten minutes of discovering that everything that we came for was already gone we decided to get the fuck out of there.

And then we headed to Walmart.

It wasn’t as crazy and terrifying as TRU but some people got into a fight. I mean, REALLY? Get a life you fucking idiots. We didn’t find anything at Walmart either but instead of leaving empty handed we raided whatever was left of the cheap blu-ray movies and grabbed a few decent titles.

Was it worth dragging my husband and toddler out in the cold at 11pm? Hell no. But now I know that Black Friday is how the rest of the world must see Americans all the time: as stupid and mindless shoppers who will do anything to save a couple of bucks.

 Posted by at 8:25 am

Y’all ready for this?

 MommyIsRockNRoll  6 Responses »
Nov 212010
 

FRIENDS! WRITERS! WHATEVER! LISTEN UP!

A couple of months ago I mentioned that I was putting together a collaborative blog and guess what? I actually made one! This is where you come in! I need some rad bloggers to join me. If you are a humor blogger (or you at least think that you’re sort of funny) and want to contribute to the blog on a regular basis (two-to-three times per month) now is your time to speak up!

Please email the following information to laurenisrocknroll [at] hotmail [dot] com:

Name: (this will be public so send me only what you want to appear on the internets)
Blog name: (including url)
Twitter handle:
Email address: (I need your Google/Blogger linked email address. This will not be public.)
Short bio: (no more than two paragraphs)
Photo of yourself: (Unless you plan on writing anonymously. If that is the case then I will choose a random photo of a narwhal or something)

I will be launching the blog on December 15th. If you join the team I will expect at least one post from you by the 13th. Also, be mindful of your grammar, punctuation and spelling. I will edit your posts for those items (not content or censorship, I promise) but do your best to make them PERFECT GODDAMMIT before it gets to me.

Once you are a part of the team I will let you know the name of the blog and give you a cool little badge that you can put on your own personal blog.

If you have already shown interest in participating that is GREAT but go ahead and email me the information I have requested above because let’s face it, I don’t remember.

ONE LAST THING: the blog will have advertisements on it. I am paying for the domain and whatever other costs I might incur so the ads will barely cover that. If at all. So there you have it. If you hate the idea of the ads then don’t join us. But I promise they aren’t intrusive at all.

So there you go. JOIN ME!

 Posted by at 9:00 am

Jay Oh Bee

 MommyIsRockNRoll  6 Responses »
Nov 162010
 

I’m employed, y’all.

I work part time at a popular clothing store that rhymes with cold gravy.

Is it my dream job? Fuck no, dudes. Today was my first day and it was not stimulating at all. I didn’t expect it to be challenging but I mindlessly straightened shelves and racks of clothing for six hours. Folding, hanging, folding, hanging, folding, hanging. And so on.

It’ll help pay the bills. That’s all that matters.

So yeah. Hooray for working retail during the holiday season! Isn’t life AWESOME!?

 Posted by at 5:54 am

RIP.

 MommyIsRockNRoll  6 Responses »
Nov 132010
 

This is a really stupid and narcissistic blog post. And I don’t care.

Since I have to get a job I decided that I would make myself look like a normal person (who wants to be normal? Not me.) and dye my hair to get rid of the pink. That’s right. I no longer have hot pink hair.

And I’m grieving.

I miss it. It had become a part of my identity and now? It’s gone. Does that mean that my personality is gone too? Am I no longer the zany individual I once was? Am I a shell?

Fuck no. I’m a hot blonde!

So what if I had to ditch the pink? I can always dye it back if I find a job that allows it. But for now I’ll be blonde. I kind of totally rock it anyway.

 Posted by at 6:38 am

Get your drink on.

 MommyIsRockNRoll  3 Responses »
Nov 112010
 
I haven’t been out drinking in a very very very long time. I have had drinks at home or in a restaurant but not a BAR. And I miss it. I am tentatively planning on going out tomorrow with some old friends from Oklahoma who are in town for, um, something. I think that one of them has some exam for medical school. Yeah, I’m friends with someone who is going to be a doctor. (prescriptions, holla!).

ANYWAY, I feel like I have to dust off the ol’ drinking habit (not like a nun’s habit, but more like the tolerance I once had). And the last time I drank in a bar I also smoked cigarettes. I don’t do that anymore. Will drinking in that setting make me want to light up?

Back when I lived in Oklahoma and before I met Jacob I used to go to the bar A LOT. I would go out with my roommate and hit up one of the many college bars in Norman. No matter where we went or what day we went the bars were packed. A busy bar is a hell of a lot more fun than an empty one and we always had a good time.

One Tuesday night (or was it Thursday? Whatever.) we walked from our house to the bar so that if we decided to get hammered we could just walk home. GENIUS. We chose the closest bar because walking blows and we sauntered in. The place was empty. A ghost town. The bar tables and stools were vacant. No pitchers of beer were being poured. No cheese fries were slowly clogging arteries. No three hundred pound frat guy was belting out Carrie Underwood on the karaoke machine.

My roommate looked at each other like we just missed out being part of some mass suicide. That look, of course, is WHAT THE FUCK?

We were about to walk back out but the lonely waitress spotted us and offered to seat us. We were now trapped and obligated to have at least one drink.

Which turned into, well, more than one.

Apparently if you are alone in a bar that can be a blast too. We never had to wait to sing a karaoke song and we even got free pub grub.

The walk home was long and the next day was brutal.

So yeah. Can I still throw ‘em back and have a good time at the bar? I guess we’ll find out.
Full disclosure, y’all: I am being compensated for the above link. Nothing other than the linked text and the url were provided for me.
 Posted by at 3:32 am

Brokeass.

 MommyIsRockNRoll  5 Responses »
Nov 092010
 

We are broke.

But we are not broken.

Actually, we are kind of broken. That expression, that cliche, that WHATEVER is fucking stupid. Obviously if you have no money something is broken. Your brain, perhaps?

The job hunt drudges along. I haven’t gotten a single call to schedule an interview. I have, however, received a handful of automated rejection emails.

Those fill me with the warm fuzzies.

Christmas is going to blow this year. I wanted to buy Avery this rad play kitchen but it isn’t going to happen. Maybe she will get it for her birthday. This year? She’ll get diapers and socks. Isn’t that what all kids dream of opening up on Christmas morning?

So yeah. We need money. And now I’m done talking about this.

 Posted by at 8:16 pm

Let’s go back to the future!

 MommyIsRockNRoll  3 Responses »
Nov 062010
 

I don’t usually blog the meme du jour but this one is kind of cute so I thought I’d join in. So here it is, a letter to my sixteen-year-old self:

Hey Lauren,

You are rad. I know that you feel bad about yourself sometimes but trust me- you are awesome. Your personality is magnetic and you have friends even though you don’t always feel like anyone ‘gets’ you.

I’m sorry that the guy you have a crush on doesn’t reciprocate. He will end up marrying his only girlfriend. Yeah, you know her and don’t care for her but it is what it is. Let it go. Also? They both get fat. You’re welcome.

Your love for music will remain white hot but as you get older meeting the bands won’t become so important to you. But you DO get to meet the lead singer of your favorite band although they aren’t your favorite yet.

I know that you’re frustrated about being the only one of your friends who hasn’t been kissed. Fret not. You not only catch up but you kind of go crazy. Maybe you should pace yourself. You don’t have to sleep with everyone. Trust me on this.

High school is fun, right? Unfortunately the real world is just around the corner and it is ROUGH. You are emotionally abandoned by everyone you love and left to fend for yourself. You are stronger than you think you are. Also? Don’t stop taking your Effexor.

Believe it or not you get married and even HAVE A BABY! Two things you swore you’d never do. That’s what happens when you fall in love. Oh, and speaking of love, the first guy you fall in love with is NOT THE ONE. In fact, you left him break your heart repeatedly over the years. Don’t let him do it! Maybe just once. Everyone needs to experience heartbreak. But trust me, you could do without being tortured.

Back to THE ONE. He’s tall and geeky and you will meet him while living in a different state. Yeah, you move out of Texas for awhile and it’s the best move you’ve ever made (at least, up until this point). Also? It’s love pretty much at first sight. You have always been quick to make decisions but in this case it is totally the right one.

Love,

You. Er, Me. Us.

 Posted by at 4:09 pm
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