December 2010 | lauren blogs... sometimes.

I want my MTV! And HGTV! And A&E! And E!

Dec 302010

This post brought to you by Charter. All opinions are 100% mine.

My family loves watching TV. We even upgraded to a 55″ flat screen to enjoy our shows on a bigger scale. I will admit that my kiddo watches more television than she should but Mickey Mouse is the best babysitter ever! His adventures with Toodles and the clubhouse gang allow me to do the dishes and shower every day!

We usually watch TV in the morning while eating breakfast and during that time the TV is turned to whatever we DVR’d from the day before: Nick Jr. and the Disney Channel dominate my child’s attention. I don’t know how Spongebob came into our lives but I’m going to kill the person who introduced that little yellow fucker to my daughter.

What I wish I could do is tell my cable provider what I’d like to see so that I don’t feel like I’m being gouged when I look at my bill. The people at Charter Communications know that moms want a say in what their families watch and want YOU to join their Charter Moms Panel on Facebook. By joining this panel you’ll be the first to know about Charter’s new services and programming and you can tell the company what you’d like to see. Charter is a big company with 5.5 customers but it sounds like they aren’t a faceless corporation who don’t give a damn about what you want as long as you pay your bill.

Isn’t that refreshing? Now shut up, Hoarders is on.

A room fit for a child who is going to leave me someday

MommyIsRockNRoll 4 Responses »

Dec 292010

My daughter is now twenty-one months old. Do you know what that means?

If you do can you tell me? I’m kind of freaking out about it. It seems like every day she sheds what is left of her babyhood and becomes a real person.

A KID. I have a kid. Not a baby. A kid.

A part of growing up means sleeping in a real bed and after discussing it Jacob and I agreed that it was time for Avery to take that next step. We packed up her crib (which is actually just a pack ‘n play; we’re ghetto like that) and rearranged the furniture in her room to accommodate her new toys. I want her to enjoy her new big girl room and I think it looks kind of rad.

Want some photos? YEAH YA DO.

Before:

After:

I know that tree decal looks weird but it used to be behind the bed and NOT floating in the middle of the wall. I need to figure out a way to make it not look odd.

Oh look! It’s the big girl herself! Trying to escape out of the window and leave me.

Aftermath

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Dec 272010

There are puzzle pieces and baby doll accessories and play food all over my living room floor.

Santa brought Avery toys. Why didn’t Santa bring me a maid?

Merry Christmas!

MommyIsRockNRoll 1 Response »

Dec 242010

Dream big.

MommyIsRockNRoll 3 Responses »

Dec 212010

Tonight while watching the beginning of the lunar eclipse (which is boring during the first ten minutes) my daughter looked up to the sky and said, “I can’t reach the moon!”

My husband and I were surprised. She has never said a sentence of more than three words on her own. I praised her for saying such a big sentence and then corrected her.

“Honey,” I told her, “you can do whatever you put your mind to. If you want to reach the moon then you can do it.”

Jacob looked at me and our eyes met and we both looked down at Avery.

She was eating dirt.

Knock knock. Who’s there? ASS RASH.

MommyIsRockNRoll 1 Response »

Dec 202010

This post brought to you by Boudreaux’s Butt Paste. All opinions are 100% mine.

My poor child.

She has the cutest little butt but (haha, BUTT BUT) because of our special diet she tends to overindulge in the acidic fruits and veggies. My kid loves peppers and will eat her own finger if it’s dipped in salsa.

Don’t judge me. We live in Texas. From birth we learn that salsa is eaten with everything and bigger hair is better hair.

So yeah. Diaper rash. Isn’t that what I’m talking about?

One day she had the misfortune of being dragged around shopping and was sitting in her diaper for longer than she should have been. Let’s face it- when you’re out and about as long as it isn’t leaking or smells like shit you tend to forget about it. We don’t cloth diaper so she doesn’t have to be changed every half hour (just kidding, cloth diaper advocates; don’t go crazy and try to poison me with your overpriced laundry soap!) but on this particular day she patiently sat in a wet diaper for a little too long. When I went to change her she had a little rash. I apologized for neglecting her and smeared some diaper rash cream on the offending area. We went on with our errands and when we got home she was ready to be changed again. A couple of hours had passed so I assumed that the small rash would be gone. IT WASN’T. The evil fucking rash was bigger. Angrier. Bumpier. Redder. Assholier. Why the hell didn’t this cream make it go away? WHAT IS YOUR FUNCTION? I screamed to the tube of worthless shit as I tossed it into the trash can.

I put Avery in a clean diaper sans diaper rash cream and hopped online. I consulted Twitter: “I need diaper rash cream. GOOD stuff. I don’t care if it’s made from unicorns. Help!”

Almost every reply claimed that Boudreaux’s Butt Paste was the best so I immediately handed the kid to my husband so I could run (let’s face it- I don’t run. I drove there.) to the store and get some (if you go to their site you can get a free sample!).

All of the stories are true! It’s a miracle! And I can go on about how it’s pediatrician recommended but I’d rather listen to the testimony of a mom who has used the stuff. It cleared up her rash within a couple of hours and she was back to being a nightmare toddler.

Webcam dump.

MommyIsRockNRoll No Responses »

Dec 192010

Um, that doesn’t mean what you think it means.

And now, in lieu of actual content:

And tonight’s pointless self portrait:

Call me Santa, bitch.

MommyIsRockNRoll 4 Responses »

Dec 182010

You know how people start freaking out about a week before Christmas because they still have tons of shopping left to do and baking and cleaning and travel and blah blah blah?

Not me!

At least not this year.

We are broke this year so we are spending what little money we have left over (there really isn’t anything left over) after bills on gifts for Avery. Thanks to my blog I have a rad new partnership that enabled me to get a really nice gift for my kiddo (review to come!). Her grandparents are setting the bar pretty high and since she has three sets of g’rents I could probably get away with not buying her anything.

HOWEVER if I did that I’d remember. I’ll remember every gift she gets this year. I’ll have a mental (as well as an actual) picture of her opening her gifts and getting excited with each new toy and I’ll know who got what for her. I just can’t imagine sitting there knowing that nothing under the tree is from mommy and daddy. She is too little to truly get Christmas and she won’t reflect on her second Christmas and say “hey, my parents didn’t get me jack shit that year.” Of course she won’t. But I will. It’s exciting to give your kid something that you know they’ll love. When you become a parent this stupid holiday transforms into the greatest day ever for your child and for you because you get to make the magic happen.

I want to be the reason the smile is on her face. Is that selfish of me? Sure, we can’t really afford much but I will do what I can with what we have and goddammit it’s going to be AWESOME.

Did something die in your mouth?

MommyIsRockNRoll 2 Responses »

Dec 172010

This post brought to you by Toms of Maine. All opinions are 100% mine.

I need to tell you something. Don’t take this the wrong way and I mean it in the nicest way possible: your breath REEKS.

Has anyone ever told you that? Have you ever had to tell someone that their breath was so bad that it smelled like something DIED in his or her mouth?

In all reality that person was probably eating meat and that makes your breath nasty. And your shit.

So, what’s the point? My poor husband has foul breath. Most days he doesn’t eat meat but the dude has halitosis or some little tooth gnomes are burying their garbage in between his gums. It’s unbearable.

After putting up with it for a few years I said “Look, buddy, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.” And then he made me go to the store for mouthwash.

Mouthwash! Of course! But what kind to get? I saw rows and rows of the clinical looking bottles of Listerine and thought that maybe the germs need to be burned off of his gums. But then I did some research and it turns out that Listerine, which is owned by Johnson & Johnson, tests ALL of their products on animals. Why the hell are companies still doing that?

So Listerine was out. Obviously. Their list of ingredients was also a little terrifying.

So I Googled. That’s what a green consumer has to do! You can’t just go to the store and easily find products that are friendly to the environment and to our fellow creatures. In my search I found Tom’s Of Maine. This is one of the few nationally sold brands of oral care that isn’t toxic and is vegan! Hooray! Their ingredients for their new Wicked Fresh mouthwash includes glycerin from vegetable oils and NOT animal fat and benzoic acid from APPLES. That’s a fruit, y’all, not some scientifically engineered chemical.

Anyway, Tom’s is rad and vegan so it gets two thumbs up from me!

If you have a minute (and I know you do) you should follow them on Twitter @TomsofMaine and friend them on Facebook! While you’re at it check out the That’s Wicked Fresh contest page and win some prizes.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

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Dec 162010

This post brought to you by Pier 1 Imports. All opinions are 100% mine.

I’m sure that you all have heard (read?) about how much I hate the holidays but reality that isn’t entirely true. I hate the religious aspect of it (Jesus was born in March, y’all) and I hate how stupid people act when it comes to buying gifts for people. My advice? Don’t buy shit just to buy it. Gifting for the sake of giving a gift is stupid. Is there any real thought into randomly selecting a sweater or even a gift card for someone who probably owns plenty of sweaters and doesn’t really need anything?

I hate shopping for people who don’t NEED anything. It’s even worse if I don’t know the person well enough to get a gag gift (for my sister’s birthday I got her a Shake Weight) or something sentimental (like a framed photo of Avery). In fact, the grandparents will all be getting one of a kind pieces of art from Avery because she’s talented with finger paints and I like to encourage her creativity. Also? Canvases and paint are cheap and it’s the kind of craft that keeps her occupied for at least thirty minutes. It’s a win-win!

ANYWAY, just because I’m not getting YOU anything for Christmas this year doesn’t mean that you can’t buy something for ME. I’m in NEED. Sure, I posted my wish list last week but the more I thought about it I realized that I left off some things that might make my home merrier this holiday season. I have some decorations up but it isn’t what I imagine when I close my eyes and mentally decorate my home. Basically what I’m saying is that you need to get me the following holiday gifts and then get one for yourself because OBVIOUSLY:

1.Set of four candy cane dip bowls. If I were throwing a holiday party this would be a must-have!!
2. Shatterproof ornaments? HELL YEAH. If you have kids you can’t have breakable ornaments.
3. Snowman cookie jar. That is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. EVER.
4. Ornament wine charm tree. What a fun way to display the charms before using them? Now DRINK, damn you!
5. Disco ball ornaments. Oooh, shiny!
6. Red spiral glassware. Like a candy cane except that it holds your booze!
7. Sea animal ornaments. Squids and octopi are huge this year so hang a few on your tree! Ink!
8. Merry Christmas metal photo holder. How cool is that? I would use it to display holiday cards but that’s just me.
9. Mercury snowflake candle holders. This would make a great gift to someone with very good taste and modern home decor.
10. Colorful tree. It’s 20″ tall and would look badass on a mantle. Like mine.
11. Keep Calm & Have a Cocktail stationery. What an great hostess gift!
12. Peace wreath. I would leave this up year-round. Also, how rad is that?!

So if you happen to stop into Pier 1 this holiday season feel free to get me one of each of the above and finish your shopping on a high note while you’re in there; Pier 1 is accepting gifts for Toys for Tots and if you check out their Facebook page you can help them raise even more money for the organization.

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