I am in a funk. A rut. A bad place. Whatever you call it, you’ll find me there. I’m here and I don’t know how to get out. I think I know how I got in though.
Jacob and I decided to start trying to have another baby. Squee, right?! Totes. We are very exciting to grow our family and feel like this is the best time to do it. I don’t take my temperature or anything fancy like that but I do track my periods on a nifty and free app on my phone. It somehow calculates when you’re ovulating and will indicate those days with a cute icon of a flower on a calendar. I have been using it to track my periods and now that it actually matters I’m all about this app.
A week ago I started lightly spotting. My period wasn’t due for another three days (per the app) so I thought that it was kind of weird but I just assumed that it was early this month. No big deal. That night I wasn’t bleeding but I was still lightly spotting. Next morning? Still spotting. Perplexed, I consulted Dr. Google. I quickly came across several sites that used the phrase ‘implantation bleeding.’ Was this a pregnancy symptom that I had never heard of before? I was feeling kind of queasy and tired so actually being pregnant would explain everything! OMG I’m pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!1!!! I read on a reputable medical site that once you are implanted (when the fertilized egg burrows into the uterine lining, hence the bleeding) it may take 4-5 days for it to show up on a pregnancy test. You mean I have to wait almost a week to find out if I’m pregnant or not?
So I did what any woman who is trying to get pregnant would do – I bought a ton of dollar store pregnancy tests and peed. I took a test every day this past week. My period never showed up and as of Sunday (yesterday) I’m still not pregnant. What gives, body? Can you please get your shit together?
I’m starting to get annoyed. My expected menstrual cycle has come and gone and I barely spotted. It’s not that I’m already stressing out about getting pregnant but when your body acts like you’re pregnant but isn’t? It’s a mind fuck. Like, the ULTIMATE mind fuck. I want to move on with the assumption that I’m not pregnant but how can I when the biggest sign, a missing period, is in the back of my mind? I didn’t drink this weekend just in case. I didn’t ride a mechanical bull or play Russian Roulette. I can’t keep tip-toeing along with this giant WHAT IF in my life. I really don’t know what to do. Until my period shows up all I can do is take a pregnancy test every few days. And wait.