May, May, Go Away.

 Uncategorized  1 Response »
May 312012
 

Sure, May was a fine and dandy month, unless you were my husband and therefore on the receiving end of some severe emotional breakdowns. Sorry, honey. Let’s blame it on the pregnancy hormones and move on, k?

Let me preface my new year’s resolution follow-up with this obvious statement: shit isn’t happening. Once I nailed the first one everything else went downhill. Allow me to explain:

1. Get knocked up.
BAM. Done. I’m twenty weeks along (halfway there!).

2. Leave my hair alone.
Thanks to my prenatal vitamin and the glorious hormones pumping through my body, my hair is looking pretty decent lately. My morning routine no longer includes the torturous act of straightening my hair with a brutally hot flat iron and I know that has made a huge difference in my hair’s quality. Non-fried hair is happy hair! I’m due for a maintenance cut in June. Things are looking a little shaggy but hey, at least it’s growing.

3. Spend less money on myself.
Three words: Fuck. That. Shit. I’m pregnant and I want nice things. I had to buy a ton of new bras and shelf-bra tank tops because my pre-pregnancy bras were killing me. Wearing a regular bra feels like some form of self harm and I just can’t take it anymore.

4. Lose an average of one pound per week.
No thanks. I mean, I wish that I was more active but it seems like I am always tired during my brief window of time when I actually could do something like go for a walk or do a workout DVD. I need to start walking during my lunch break. I should implement that soon. Walking at least three days a week at work and then walking on weekends with my family will help me feel better and have more energy. I actually enjoy exercising and am looking forward to doing some more hardcore routines once I have the baby.

5. Learn at least one song in its entirety on my guitar.
Avery plays my guitar more often than I do.

6. Read at least two books every month.
I really wish I hadn’t bailed on this one. I’m currently reading a book but it seems like I’m choosing sleep over reading and sleep will always win. At least, it does right now.

7. Work on making master bedroom look like a bedroom and less like a large closet with a bed in the middle of it.
Eh. Once my nesting instinct kicks and and we start getting ready for the baby (co-sleeping FTW!) then I’ll get my ass in gear and turn my master bedroom into something more relaxing.

8. Be less of a bitch.
I’m going to re-post what I wrote last month: No. Just, no. I’m polarizing and that’s just my personality. I need to work on being more patient with my husband and daughter but that’s it. I don’t care if people at work don’t like me. I have enough people to eat lunch with – I don’t need best friends all over the office.

 

Read the previous months’: January, February, March, April.

Lycra is your friend!

 writing  1 Response »
May 212012
 

When the temperature starts creeping up (oh, who am I kidding? In Texas it goes from ice storms to 80* in less than a week) I generally dread what it entails in terms of clothing. I hate the way I look in shorts and sleeveless tops. Bathing suits? Sure, I’ll wear one but I’ll feel uncomfortable in it and stare like a creeper at the skinny moms in their two-piece suits who don’t appear to have actually carried children inside of their bodies. Am I jealous? Obviously. I have always been overweight but being happy in my own skin is not something I have yet to master. I envy big girls who own their size and exude confidence. This does not mean that I hate myself; I am incredibly self-involved and at times can be narcissistic. Some days I feel pretty or cute but I would always prefer to be a smaller size. Wouldn’t we all? This isn’t a revelation, of course. Most of us would rather be thinner or more in-shape. Once summertime comes the desire to be thin is amplified; bathing suit shopping is torture when you are chubby. The cute ones don’t seem to fit right and most “plus size” bathing suits look matronly and almost like you are wearing a dress. Sexy sunbather? No. GRANDMA? Yes. I have one bathing suit (not the one in the photo) that I’ve had for years and I love it. It’s as flattering as it can be and it makes me feel pretty. However, I fear that it won’t cut it once I’m hugely pregnant at the end of summer (which, in Texas, is September).

Actually, being pregnant this summer is a huge relief. I’m allowed to be big and won’t feel like I am some fat chick in a bathing suit. I am rarely the largest woman at the pool but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel huge. This year, I can rock a cute bathing suit and not care what others think. Being pregnant gives me the confidence to dress cuter and carry myself with pride because hey, I made a person and I am kind of adorable with a big belly. Well, a bigger-than-normal belly.

After I have this baby I would love to lose weight and feel like a toned-up bad-ass but for now I’ll just enjoy being round and glowy. Besides, everything looks cute on you when you’re pregnant.

Gender Prediction Tests Will Make You CRAZY- A Handful of Fun Tests to Try While Pregnant

 family, writing  2 Responses »
May 172012
 

Tomorrow I am having my third sonogram which will hopefully reveal a penis or the lack of a penis. I am eighteen weeks along and I remember getting a crystal-clear shot of a non-penis at twenty weeks when I was pregnant with Avery. Some women find out the gender as early as twelve weeks (bitches!) so I’m hoping that eighteen weeks isn’t too early to get a good peek at the goods.

While waiting for this oh-so-important appointment I have decided to perform a few gender prediction tests to not only make myself crazy but to have a little fun. I truly don’t care either way (I know I said I wanted a girl but I’m over it) but the novelty of predicting the gender was too good to skip this time around.

The first test I tried was the famous Chinese Gender Predictor! This handy-dandy little chart uses the Chinese lunar calendar to guess your baby’s gender. It claims (well, the test itself claims nothing but sites about it do) that the test is 90% accurate. Sounds pretty legit, right? I did the test with Avery’s information to see just how accurate it is. Obviously, it has a 50-50 chance and it was right. She is, in fact, a girl. So go you, Chinese Gender Predictor! Then, I tested it for Filbert and… a girl! That’s one for girl, zero for boy.

The next test I tried was the ring test. How it works: you string your ring (or a needle) through a string or ribbon and hold it over your belly while you are laying down. If it swings in a circular motion, it’s a girl. Back and forth like a pendulum means it’s a boy. I didn’t test this when I was pregnant with Avery so I have no control to validate its accuracy. The result? Boy! So that’s one girl, one boy.

This isn’t looking good, statistically speaking.

PEE IN A CUP! You’re a pro at this by now, right? Cover the bottom of a cup with baking soda, then pee into the cup. If it reacts, you’re having a boy. No reaction? A girl. How did it turn out? There was a little bit of fizzle so that means… boy!

So far, that’s two for boy, one for girl. Now we’re starting to have some real competition.

Drano and cabbage are other items used to help predict the gender but I don’t have either of those in my house so I didn’t pee on them and the clerks at Kroger totally frown on popping a squat in the cleaning products aisle.

If this is your second child you can perform the hairline test: lift up your child’s hair on the back of his/her neck. If it comes to a point, you’re pregnant with the gender opposite of your child. A straight-across hairline means the gender will be the same. So, Avery, what does you neck hairline have to say? Boy. However, I had hubby check my hairline since I’m the older sibling and mine came to a point and I have a sister. I would void this particular test but since this isn’t exactly a scientific study we’ll keep it.

Childbirth.org has a fun little quiz that will predict your baby’s gender. The questions are silly and based on old wives tales about how you carry the baby, if you crave certain foods, etc. The result? 50-50. Super. We’ll just throw this one out.

OBFOCUS has a test based on the Chinese Prediction method but it isn’t as specific about the mother’s date of birth since it only asks for your age at conception. Once I selected ’28′ and ‘January’ a window popped open with a dancing baby announcing it was a… boy!

So that’s five tests taken (six if you include the bogus 50-50 result) which gives us a nice odd number. The final tally? One for girl, four for boy. This is interesting because I’m starting to feel like this one could be a boy so I’m wondering if my intuition swayed the results in some way. Is that even possible? I don’t think I can control the acidity of my urine and when I did the ring test I didn’t look to see which way meant which gender until afterward to avoid me possibly tampering with the test. I took this way too seriously but in the end it was fun to test out these crazy old wives tales.

We will know the gender with some level of certainty (you’re never 100% positive until the baby is born) tomorrow unless Filbert decides to be shy. So to my darling fetus, I have this to say: SPREAD ‘EM.

(Disclaimer- no one compensated me for sharing the above links. It’s called CITING MY SOURCES. I know that some bloggers are unaware that you can’t just borrow something without crediting the source but it’s true- you can’t. Hugs to my sources. Your sites were informative and charming.)

Blog Update!

 writing  No Responses »
May 162012
 

Over the past several days I have been tweaking my newest design and I hope that you all like it as much as I do. I think it’s simple but not boring and will let the content speak loudly – no crowding the words with flashy buttons or ads (still not sure about adding advertising yet). It’s still a work-in-progress but I do appreciate any feedback you may have.

I have also added my resume which can be viewed in-site or as a downloadable PDF file. If you would like to hire me for freelance writing or editing work please check out my resume – within its content you will see links which will redirect you to some of the work I have published in the past for various clients.

I am in the process of gathering up a fantastic array of material for my portfolio which is why that page is pretty naked right now. It is my next project and I plan on tackling it starting tomorrow and hopefully finishing it by the end of the weekend. I am having difficulty rounding up some of my older projects’ permalinks due to some sites no longer existing (which is kind of a bummer when your work just vanishes), but I’m going to keep at it. It would be a shame to lose all of that work because I didn’t have the foresight to save it.

Anyway, I just thought I’d take a moment to let you know what was in the pipeline for this little blog. It seems like a lot of work but if I want to become a freelancer and actually make a decent living at it I need to get my act together. I can’t expect anyone to pay me for my work when I can’t even maintain my own blog. Clearly, I have already begun to make the necessary changes which will positively impact my future career as a glorious freelance writer. I can already taste the sweet, sweet freedom of being my own boss.

 Posted by at 5:15 am

The mother’s day that almost wasn’t.

 writing  4 Responses »
May 152012
 

On the day before mother’s day my in-laws came into town to spend the weekend with us. It was my mother-in-law’s birthday on Friday so we celebrated with a ton of fajitas and of course, cake and ice cream. We all had a nice Saturday sitting and talking and there was even time for an afternoon nap. Most people have issues with or can’t even stand their in-laws but I love mine. I don’t call them Mom and Dad but they are my parents. I married their son and, because they are so special to him, they are also special to me. He has a wonderful relationship with his mom and dad and it’s one of the reasons why I knew he was the one I would marry. I am very close to my parents and could not imagine marrying someone who had a strained relationship with his. They are crazy about Avery and I know that they love me and are happy to have me as their daughter-in-law.

However, they have overheard and witnessed first-hand my brand of crazy and knowing that they know I’m not perfect and am actually kind of unstable is a little embarrassing. Hell, admitting to throwing a tantrum and storming out of my house in front of them on mother’s day is something I can’t believe I’m doing but there it is.

Sunday morning, I woke up in a funk but I didn’t know it yet. My daughter and husband hand-delivered me my mother’s day cards and they cuddled me as I read the sweet-but-manufactured words of the card makers. Hubby and I made a breakfast of biscuits (out of a can, child please), scrambled eggs, and bacon. Yes, I know I am supposed sit back and be treated on my special day but I have a hard time not helping in my own kitchen. Besides, I enjoy cooking alongside my husband so it didn’t feel like a chore. We served breakfast and once everyone finished eating they scattered and left me to clean up the mess. Our kitchen is kind of infested with sugar ants right now so we cannot leave any food out, especially if that food has sugar in it (duh). I washed the jam off of the plates before putting them into the sink and put everything back in the refrigerator. With no help. From anyone. Just me. Maybe this was what got my crazy ball into motion. I was slightly annoyed but I joined the group after cleaning – they were all watching a movie in the living room. After lounging on the sofa for a bit I got up and started working on laundry. For some reason, my anger or displeasure or whatever was escalating very quickly so I decided to hide from everyone by folding laundry in my bedroom. Hubby came in to ask me why I was doing laundry on mother’s day. Um, because it won’t get done if I don’t, obviously. You think that chores magically get done on mother’s day? No. Those who honor the wife/mother do her chores for her so that she gets a break. That’s how it works, right? I guess after four mother’s days he still doesn’t get it. I was seething and wanted to be left alone. I bitterly continued my task and expressed my feelings about the laundry and how he never helps me and that I’m going to stop doing his laundry for him and maybe he’ll appreciate me more when he has to do his own f’ing laundry. Yeah, I went there. I was FUMING.

Then, my mother-in-law decided that she, my father-in-law, hubby, and Avery should go outside. Yep, they were running away from me. I couldn’t blame them because I didn’t want to be around me either. Hubby and his dad figured that they would mow and edge the yards since they were already outside. Super. He gets help with one of his chores but no one even touches the dishes? How about the vacuum? Nope. I was sent over the edge. I went outside and laid into hubby, telling him that I was going out and how disappointed I was that he ruined my day but of course, how dare I have any expectations when I’m always disappointed? I was tearing into him and being such a jerk. He’s a saint for not putting me into a headlock because I would have deserved it.

After my tantrum (which was in the backyard and super-loud; I’m so classy), I showered, yelled at him some more, and left the house without even saying goodbye to my in-laws. God, I’m an asshole.

I called a friend and vented to her while I headed to do what we all know as retail therapy. After I walked around a few stores and had some time to calm down (and find some killer deals on clothes that made me feel and look super cute), I sent my in-laws a text message apologizing for my behavior and explaining that it must be attributed to hormones because there is no way I would treat them that rudely otherwise. I wanted to call because texting is so impersonal but I knew that I’d be sobbing the entire time. In this case, texting was a must. Then, I called hubby and apologized. I know that I’m emotionally unstable at times but it’s just who I am. That’s a total cop-out but it’s the truth.

On the way home the new Alanis Morissette song came on the radio. I’d heard it a few times before but it really hit home today and I burst into the ugly cry. Driving through tears is quite a skill and I’m grateful that I wasn’t too far from my house at this point. Once I got home I rushed in and hugged my two favorite people and cried some more and apologized. Avery kissed my tear-stained face and hubby assured me that everything was okay.

How can I treat my family this way? I want to chalk it up to a pregnancy-related hormonal ragefest but I don’t think I can. I guess we all have our moments but I worry that mine are just a sign of something much more severe. Depression, especially bipolar disorder, runs in my family. It isn’t something I take lightly and after all these years I wonder if maybe I have it, or at the very least some form of anxiety/coping disorder.

I digress (depression is another blog post entirely)… so I got home, put away the groceries that I managed to procure despite going to the store without a list, and showed off my “therapeutic” purchases to my husband. I bought myself two pairs of shorts, two pairs of gloriously seamless maternity leggings (they fit like buttah!), two cute-as-hell tunics, and a pair of sandals. Did all of that shopping make me feel better? Yeah, and I don’t have buyer’s remorse, either. Win-win! I also bought hubby a new pair of flip flops since the dog chewed up his only pair. See? I’m not totally selfish. Then we ate an early dinner and blew up the inflatable pool in the backyard where Avery and I lounged til we turned pink from the sun. It ended up being a pretty nice mother’s day despite its rocky beginnings which were completely my fault.

I’d like to say that for the most part I’m in control of my emotions but I know that would be a lie. Add pregnancy into the mix and I become a tornado – completely unpredictable with inevitable collateral damage. Thankfully, though, my mood swings don’t launch cattle and trailers into the air. I just hope that my family sticks by my side through it all and maybe someday I’ll get it under control.

You ARE mom enough. We all are. So shut the hell up about this cover, okay?

 family, writing  No Responses »
May 112012
 

I’m now the billionth person to throw my two cents into the blogosphere about the most recent TIME magazine cover which features mom and blogger Jamie Grumet nursing her three year old son. Want to see it again?

Credit

What amuses me about the cover is that NO ONE nurses a child this way. There is no way that Jamie would have been all, “Um, hey, photographer, my son likes to nurse standing on a chair while neither of us makes eye contact with the other. Let’s do this.” I know that the photographer had an inspirational image of Madonna and child but this? This is not attachment parenting. This looks detached and cold. Dr. Sears, the “guru” of attachment parenting, or AP, would have no doubt chuckled at the sight of this photo. Not only is it obvious that TIME chose it for shock value, but neither the mother not the child look too pleased about this nursing session.

After an entire day of seeing both ignorant and enlightened tweets and comments about the cover, I came across a photo from the same shoot that was obviously not selected for the cover:

Credit

THIS should have been the cover because this? Is beautiful. I don’t care if you think that breastfeeding is gross (but you probably drink cow’s milk which is milk that is made just for a cow’s baby, so EW on you) or if you think that her son is too old or that she should cover up. I don’t care if you formula-fed your children. You know what? Jamie, the stunning mom in the photos, probably doesn’t care how you raise your kids either. So why are we so judgmental about this issue? If I watch you give your infant a sippy cup or bottle of juice I will cringe but I will keep my mouth shut. What good does it do anyone by me going off on your parenting choices? I know how I raise my child isn’t going to appeal to some people and I’m okay with that. I will do what is best for my family just like you will.

The article that the cover is supposed to represent is about Dr. Sears, who is well-known for his philosophies on AP. What I’m sure any AP believer will tell you (unless he/she is a self-righteous bitch, or sancti-mommy, if you prefer) is that when it comes to AP and parenting in general is that it is not an all-or-nothing game. We breastfed until Avery was sixteen months but trust me, if I was working full time there is no way I would have stuck with it that long. She slept in our bed until she was nine months old purely for nighttime nursing convenience. We did cry-it-out but we also used other methods (Cry it out is NOT AP, in case you couldn’t guess). We do what works for us, not what works for you. I don’t give a shit how you raise your kids and you’ll never hear me tell you that you’re doing it wrong. Our best friends are formula feeding their son. So what? She tried nursing and had struggles and opted to do what she felt was right for her and her baby. Good for her. Some people thought that we were weird for letting Avery sleep with us and that she’d NEVER LEAVE OUR BED until she went off to college. To those of you with that warning? You realize how ludicrous that sounds, right? We used disposable diapers because I hate doing laundry. See? You don’t have be Mayim Bialik to call yourself an AP’er. Just be you.

And really, must we label ourselves? I can check-off more boxes in the AP category than not but I refuse to identify with just one style of parenting. We are always changing and adapting to the needs of our growing children. What works when they’re two will probably not work when they’re two and a half. I can’t nurse or rock my toddler to sleep because she fights; but if I shut her door and let her put herself to bed she settles down after a few minutes and sleeps all night long. It might not always be like this but for now it works for us.

Regardless of your stance on this issue just remember one thing- the world is a harsh place and it’s our job as moms to lead by example and not add to the negativity. Love your children fiercely and in your own way and I’ll do the same.

Pardon the dust!

 writing  No Responses »
May 102012
 

Good afternoon, readers! As you can see, I am in the process of jazzing up my blog (finally!) so things are going to look a little funky while I get it just right. I do things in phases to sure I like something and to make sure it works before I move onto some other details. This will ensure that things work correctly and look totally kick-ass when I’m completely finished. Obviously, things may be a little wonky for a bit but I’m hoping that I can knock it out and officially relaunch LAURENACARLTON.COM in the next few days.

Why am I bothering with this, you ask? As a writer it is important to take of the space where I keep my work. Granted, I don’t write in my blog as often as I should but I’m going to change that. See? Lots of exciting changes are happening. My goal is to get my writer’s portfolio all shiny and presentable and host it on my blog and in order to draw in potential clients I figured that I should make my blog and portfolio attractive and functional. Right now, my blog lacks personality and it’s definitely not as functional as it could be. I haven’t tackled this until now because I simply haven’t made time. This doesn’t mean that I don’t have time, I just haven’t made the time. Trust me, I have time. Hell, if I’m going to take on freelance work I better have the time, right? I want to broaden my horizons and attract the right clients to help me do that. Having a great-looking blog will certainly help. At least, it can’t hurt, right?

Forgive me for making a mess but hey, it’s my blog! If you like something I’ve changed I suggest that you don’t get too attached. When I’m working on a design (for myself or a client) I tend to fall in love with an idea and once I act on it I fall out of love. Perhaps, at least with my own personal-use designs, I’m a commitment-phobe. I can’t help it. Maybe I should start doing blog and web design again so I can have an outlet for my once-loved ideas. I feel like my graphic design skills have improved a lot since I last took on projects over a year ago. Maybe I should consider that professional avenue too. See? THE BRAIN, IT NEVER SHUTS OFF!