On the day before mother’s day my in-laws came into town to spend the weekend with us. It was my mother-in-law’s birthday on Friday so we celebrated with a ton of fajitas and of course, cake and ice cream. We all had a nice Saturday sitting and talking and there was even time for an afternoon nap. Most people have issues with or can’t even stand their in-laws but I love mine. I don’t call them Mom and Dad but they are my parents. I married their son and, because they are so special to him, they are also special to me. He has a wonderful relationship with his mom and dad and it’s one of the reasons why I knew he was the one I would marry. I am very close to my parents and could not imagine marrying someone who had a strained relationship with his. They are crazy about Avery and I know that they love me and are happy to have me as their daughter-in-law.
However, they have overheard and witnessed first-hand my brand of crazy and knowing that they know I’m not perfect and am actually kind of unstable is a little embarrassing. Hell, admitting to throwing a tantrum and storming out of my house in front of them on mother’s day is something I can’t believe I’m doing but there it is.
Sunday morning, I woke up in a funk but I didn’t know it yet. My daughter and husband hand-delivered me my mother’s day cards and they cuddled me as I read the sweet-but-manufactured words of the card makers. Hubby and I made a breakfast of biscuits (out of a can, child please), scrambled eggs, and bacon. Yes, I know I am supposed sit back and be treated on my special day but I have a hard time not helping in my own kitchen. Besides, I enjoy cooking alongside my husband so it didn’t feel like a chore. We served breakfast and once everyone finished eating they scattered and left me to clean up the mess. Our kitchen is kind of infested with sugar ants right now so we cannot leave any food out, especially if that food has sugar in it (duh). I washed the jam off of the plates before putting them into the sink and put everything back in the refrigerator. With no help. From anyone. Just me. Maybe this was what got my crazy ball into motion. I was slightly annoyed but I joined the group after cleaning – they were all watching a movie in the living room. After lounging on the sofa for a bit I got up and started working on laundry. For some reason, my anger or displeasure or whatever was escalating very quickly so I decided to hide from everyone by folding laundry in my bedroom. Hubby came in to ask me why I was doing laundry on mother’s day. Um, because it won’t get done if I don’t, obviously. You think that chores magically get done on mother’s day? No. Those who honor the wife/mother do her chores for her so that she gets a break. That’s how it works, right? I guess after four mother’s days he still doesn’t get it. I was seething and wanted to be left alone. I bitterly continued my task and expressed my feelings about the laundry and how he never helps me and that I’m going to stop doing his laundry for him and maybe he’ll appreciate me more when he has to do his own f’ing laundry. Yeah, I went there. I was FUMING.
Then, my mother-in-law decided that she, my father-in-law, hubby, and Avery should go outside. Yep, they were running away from me. I couldn’t blame them because I didn’t want to be around me either. Hubby and his dad figured that they would mow and edge the yards since they were already outside. Super. He gets help with one of his chores but no one even touches the dishes? How about the vacuum? Nope. I was sent over the edge. I went outside and laid into hubby, telling him that I was going out and how disappointed I was that he ruined my day but of course, how dare I have any expectations when I’m always disappointed? I was tearing into him and being such a jerk. He’s a saint for not putting me into a headlock because I would have deserved it.
After my tantrum (which was in the backyard and super-loud; I’m so classy), I showered, yelled at him some more, and left the house without even saying goodbye to my in-laws. God, I’m an asshole.
I called a friend and vented to her while I headed to do what we all know as retail therapy. After I walked around a few stores and had some time to calm down (and find some killer deals on clothes that made me feel and look super cute), I sent my in-laws a text message apologizing for my behavior and explaining that it must be attributed to hormones because there is no way I would treat them that rudely otherwise. I wanted to call because texting is so impersonal but I knew that I’d be sobbing the entire time. In this case, texting was a must. Then, I called hubby and apologized. I know that I’m emotionally unstable at times but it’s just who I am. That’s a total cop-out but it’s the truth.
On the way home the new Alanis Morissette song came on the radio. I’d heard it a few times before but it really hit home today and I burst into the ugly cry. Driving through tears is quite a skill and I’m grateful that I wasn’t too far from my house at this point. Once I got home I rushed in and hugged my two favorite people and cried some more and apologized. Avery kissed my tear-stained face and hubby assured me that everything was okay.
How can I treat my family this way? I want to chalk it up to a pregnancy-related hormonal ragefest but I don’t think I can. I guess we all have our moments but I worry that mine are just a sign of something much more severe. Depression, especially bipolar disorder, runs in my family. It isn’t something I take lightly and after all these years I wonder if maybe I have it, or at the very least some form of anxiety/coping disorder.
I digress (depression is another blog post entirely)… so I got home, put away the groceries that I managed to procure despite going to the store without a list, and showed off my “therapeutic” purchases to my husband. I bought myself two pairs of shorts, two pairs of gloriously seamless maternity leggings (they fit like buttah!), two cute-as-hell tunics, and a pair of sandals. Did all of that shopping make me feel better? Yeah, and I don’t have buyer’s remorse, either. Win-win! I also bought hubby a new pair of flip flops since the dog chewed up his only pair. See? I’m not totally selfish. Then we ate an early dinner and blew up the inflatable pool in the backyard where Avery and I lounged til we turned pink from the sun. It ended up being a pretty nice mother’s day despite its rocky beginnings which were completely my fault.
I’d like to say that for the most part I’m in control of my emotions but I know that would be a lie. Add pregnancy into the mix and I become a tornado – completely unpredictable with inevitable collateral damage. Thankfully, though, my mood swings don’t launch cattle and trailers into the air. I just hope that my family sticks by my side through it all and maybe someday I’ll get it under control.