family | lauren blogs... sometimes.

Summertime.

May 232013

Summer is my favorite. Before I was a mom, I loved laying out by the pool, frying my delicate Irish skin like bacon on a hot skillet. I would relish my days off, especially if they fell in the middle of the week. I had the apartment complex pool to myself, and I would read a book while drinking water or something less hydrating (Bartles & Jaymes, party people!). When I got too hot, I’d swim for a bit, then return to my chaise to continue roasting. A few times, I fell asleep while tanning; if you have fair skin, you know that this is both stupid and dangerous. But, the warm sun and chilled wine coolers just made me sleepy so how could I resist? I was a woman of leisure!

These days, taking the kids to the park, pool, beach, etc., is a huge undertaking. Avery and Henry love being outside and they especially love the water. Our town has a swim beach on the lake and the kids love it. Sand! Water! Ducks! It’s perfect. The swim beach doesn’t extend out too far into the lake so it isn’t very deep and since the area is well-maintained, I don’t worry about Avery stepping on something or getting caught on something under the water. She can run up and down the miniaturized shoreline without me going into helicopter-mom mode. I hate hovering, constantly shouting “Get back here!” and the like. It’s exhausting and it can’t be very fun for Avery either. So I let her play while I observe from a short-ish distance. We bring a quilt to the beach and Henry and I sit and play in the sand with little shovels and rakes. Henry is fascinated with sand and he apparently loves the way it tastes because he is always trying to shove a handful of it into his mouth.

We also have four swimming pools in our subdivision. Basically, there is no excuse for us to stay indoors this summer.

Not only that, but since I am planning on going back to work full time, I would like to get some quality time in with my children while I still have the chance. I will continue to take them to the pool, beach, etc., on weekends, but it isn’t the same. During the week, the beach is all ours. At least, it is until school gets out for the summer next week.

I just want to soak up as much time with them as I can. I have decided that I am going to focus on my kiddos and not worry about anything else. I will do basic housework like laundry and dishes, but I am not going to fret over the fact that the foyer needs to be mopped and that Avery’s books aren’t alphabetized. This summer is about having fun and spending real, focused time with my babies.

Most days, we get up, have breakfast, go for a walk to the park, come home, watch TV while I play on the computer, and then the day gets away from us while we lounge around the house. I am sick of the TV and I hate how when I sit on the couch I immediately reach for my laptop. Sure, I am applying for jobs but I’m also endlessly scrolling on Pinterest and getting sucked into Buzzfeed and Reddit. I want a break from it. A break for mediocre parenting. I want to give my kids a fun summer that I know they won’t remember, but I will.

Henry: Five Months Old

family, writing 2 Responses »

Mar 272013

Dearest Baby Boy,

Look at you, precious boy! You are five months old! You’re getting so big! I can’t stop using exclamation marks!

You have started teething and it is making you quite fussy. I feel so bad for you when you start crying and gnawing on your hand. I still haven’t spotted any teeth breaking through your gums, but I hope for your sake (okay, mine too) we see a teeny pearly white soon. You haven’t been sleeping for long stretches at night like you used to – you have been waking up after only a couple of hours instead of five or six (or that one time- eight!). I guess you just need some cuddling and something to chew on; I don’t mind tucking you right up next to me. We both sleep better when we’re together anyway.

You have mastered rolling over, but once you get onto your belly you seem to get upset. Being on your tummy appears to bother you. How can you learn to crawl if you don’t like being on your stomach? It’s kind of neat to lay you down on your play mat, and have you be completely off the mat and onto the rug when I come back into the room. You’re a professional wiggler; unless I’m feeding you, you are in constant motion. You pump your legs with all of your energy and you are really strong!

Your first word! I nearly forgot to mention it! Henry, you said your first word! It was “Dada,” but I forgive you. Actually, you said “Mumma” tonight so that’s good enough for me! I guess watching Downton Abbey with you has influenced your speech. You love babbling and laughing, and your favorite person is, without a doubt, your big sister. Whenever you find her in the room you keep your eyes locked on her, watching her every move. She makes you laugh and smile more than anyone else.

I love you, sweet boy. See you next month!

Love,

Mumma

And Now You Are Four.

family, writing 2 Responses »

Mar 252013

Happy birthday, my beautiful little girl.

I cannot believe that you are four years old today. It seems like it was just last week when you learned how to walk, only a month ago when we brought you home from the hospital on that super-cold March day. You have brought so much joy to our lives and you made us a family. Most importantly, you made me a mom, and that is a gift that means so very much to me. I never thought that I wanted to have children, but then I met your daddy; not only did I fall in love with him, but I fell in love with the idea of raising children with him. When we had you, our hearts became so full of love for you. You are just the most wonderful, amazing, and special little girl. You are so smart, baby, and every time you use a ‘big girl’ word I swell with pride. You are really, really smart. Scary smart. But I’m not surprised. That isn’t a sneaky way to compliment myself and my superb parenting – lately, I have been feeling like I haven’t given you everything you deserve from me – but you still shine like the brightest star in the sky.

You love running around outside in the backyard with the dog, playing with Play Doh, doing crafts with me, and I’m certain that your favorite activity is helping me make pancakes every morning. It’s our ritual – every morning we wake up, snuggle for a bit and play with your brother, then we stand side-by-side at the counter and share the task of measuring, pouring, whisking, and your favorite part- flipping! Okay, it may not be your favorite thing we do, but it’s certainly one of mine. As our day unfolds we sometimes get on each other’s nerves but we will always have breakfast.

Love,

Mama

Birthday Party, V 2.0

family 4 Responses »

Mar 242013

I know that this is a saying throughout the country, but in Texas we always say, “If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes.” And dammit, it’s so, so true. This past week, the skies were clear, sunny, and the weather was warm.
I can describe it two words: SHORTS. WEATHER. It was beautiful! Then, this weekend came and so did the clouds, wind, rain, and freezing-ass temperatures. Normally, this would be disappointing but not a big deal. However, this weekend was Avery’s birthday party and we had planned to have it outdoors at a park. We reserved a pavilion, and I made a lot of the decorations for it (including dyeing canvas drop cloths for the table cloths, banners, etc.); everything we planned and had purchased revolved around our venue.

But when we woke up this morning and it was in the 30s with 20mph winds, I knew we had to either cancel the party or find an indoor venue. I remembered seeing a birthday party at the mall’s food court when we were there a few weekends ago; I had Jacob look up the mall’s website to see if a reservation was needed to have a party there. No information came up regarding parties, so we decided that this was the new plan for Avery’s birthday party. It was either the mall or my mom’s house, and my mom’s house is not kid-friendly. She has some toys, but she also has pricy knick-knacks and delicate wood flooring and PUT A COASTER UNDER THAT GLASS! (She isn’t that anal retentive about it; I’m just being overly dramatic for the sake of the blog.)

Anyway, I called or texted everyone and let them know about the new time and location. About half of the guests decided not to come for one reason or another, but that was okay because a group of forty people at the food court would get pretty loud.

I got to the mall first and claimed a row of tables at the food court. I set up as many of the decorations as I could, ordered a traveler’s box of coffee from the Starbucks, and purchased tokens for the carousel. My sister picked up our catering order from Super Target (I will order from them for every party we have now; it was so easy and cheap! This is not an ad) and brought it to the mall, and Jacob and his parents brought the drinks and the birthday girl. Everyone showed up around 12:30pm, and we all ate sandwiches and fruit. Then, the kids rode the carousel, we sang “Happy Birthday” and ate cupcakes, opened presents, pulled the strings of the pinata (we drew a bit of an audience during the mad grab for loot once the pinata burst), and then rode the carousel again. It was a lot more fun for the kids than it sounds, I promise! They ran around the tables (this is a suburban mall so it’s not like our kids were the only ones running around), played with one another, and the adults sat around and chatted.

It wasn’t the party that we originally planned, but Avery had a great time with her friends and family and that’s all that matters. I was surprised at how well I handled the change of events; under pressure, I tend to get stressed out and worked up, letting even the littlest thing piss me off. I hate it when my plans don’t go as, well, planned, but I managed to keep my cool when we had to make the last-minute call to move the party. Honestly, I was impressed with myself for not being a total crybaby about the weather being uncooperative today. I guess I’m becoming a mature adult; after all, I am turning thirty this week.

Yell.

family, writing 1 Response »

Mar 112013

I think that ceasing my anti-depressants was a huge mistake. Nothing serious has happened, but this afternoon,
I yelled at my daughter. I screamed. She couldn’t get her carseat buckled (she can do it herself now, except for this one time), and so she started getting upset. We were both tired after a long day, and I just lost it. I screamed at her, “What the hell is wrong with you? If you can’t do it, I’ll do it but quit wasting my time!” I may have said more, but I don’t remember. Whatever it was, I’m sure it was terrible and nothing you should ever say to a child. As soon as I was finished yelling at her, I came out of my haze and felt like shit. Just. Fucking. Awful. I don’t know why I would ever yell at such a sweet little girl. Or any child, for that matter. My daughter is a tough little girl. She is a bruiser. She doesn’t cry when she falls on the ground, and she takes disappointments like a champ. If a kid doesn’t want to play with her on the playground, she moves on and plays with someone else. It’s THEIR loss, after all, and she knows it. She has a bright and wonderful spirit and is so very, very smart. I have always been proud of her for not being overly sensitive. I’d watch other kids fall on the playground and break down in tears and think, “Thank God that Avery isn’t such a wimp.” (Sorry, if your kid is sensitive, good for them. I just don’t think I’d be a good parent to such a sensitive child.)

But here I am, yelling at her for not being able to buckle her carseat? Her hooded sweater had ruffles on it that were in the way of the buckle and that’s her fault? What the fuck is wrong with me? I was tired but I cannot use that as a reason to yell at my child. She is amazing and deserves a mom who is patient and calm. We can’t both be high strung!

I will be calling in a refill for my prescription for Zoloft tomorrow morning, and by the end of the day I will make an appointment with a counselor. I will fix my head for my babies. They deserve better and I will be better.

Late Night Mom Guilt

family, writing 2 Responses »

Mar 082013

I inadvertently let Henry cry himself to sleep tonight and now I feel like a monster. I was working on some extremely overdue assignments for my freelance job, and he would not stay asleep in his crib. I nursed him to sleep in my lap, and once I set him down in his crib, he woke up and cried. I’d rescue him, nurse him some more, lay him down. Rinse. Repeat. I finally put him in his swing with a pacifier, and he seemed to enjoy that so I helped him keep his pacifier in his mouth until he fell asleep. After about twenty minutes of blissful silence, he started squirming. After a few minutes of wiggling, he woke up and fussed again. Really, dude? Go to sleep already! I rocked him while I stood up and then placed him in his crib where it looked like he might drift off again. Wrong. So very, very wrong. He was wide awake and grumbling by the time I sat back down in front of my laptop. The grumbling turned into fussing which then escalated into a sad and lonely cry. I was in the middle of an assignment and decided to finish it before getting him out of his crib. Each assignment takes only a few minutes so he wouldn’t have long to wait. By the time I finished typing and hit Submit, the sounds from his crib had ceased. I heard him slowly lower from a cry to a whimper and instead of rescuing him, I let him be. I just wanted to finish what I was working on because I knew it would be a long night of work and I wanted to complete one of the assignments without a baby in my lap. When he’s asleep in my lap, I am able to type on my laptop without much discomfort. But, if I am nursing, it’s a bit of a challenge. Regardless, my little one fell asleep after crying out for me. I don’t often have mom guilt, but I really feel bad about this.

I know that he’ll forgive me. Hell, he probably won’t remember it happened, and if he does, it’s not like he’s going to hold a grudge. Babies are forgiving little creatures. Besides, last night he wouldn’t stay asleep even when he was laying right next to me. I forgave him for that, so surely he will be okay with me accidentally letting him cry himself to sleep.

Henry: Three Months Old

family 6 Responses »

Jan 312013

Dear Henry,

You are currently napping in my lap as you do after nearly every time you eat, and since you have the sniffles I can hear every breath you take. While it is reassuring to know that you are still breathing, it makes me sad that you have a virus and there is nothing I can do but help you drain your nose (and you hate it when I do it, oh man, do you ever hate it). Your cough sounds just about the worst thing I’ve ever heard, especially when it’s coming from your crib at 1am. I hope it’ll pass soon considering I can’t exactly give you anything for it.

In the past month, you have started laughing! A genuine laugh in reaction to something you see or hear! It’s one of the most joyous sounds I have ever heard in my entire life, and in order to hear it I will make the weirdest faces and strangest noises for you just to hear it. Your laugh, sweet boy, would put a smile on anyone’s face. The first person to get you to really laugh was your Grandpa Mike; it’s no surprise that you laughed for him since he happens to be a pretty funny guy.

A couple of days ago, your daddy thought that he felt some toothy bumps in your mouth. Teeth! What a big deal! You don’t appear to be suffering much from this new development but don’t worry, babycakes, you will.

Yesterday, you rolled over from your back to your side! You have become so active lately and are a master wiggler. When I put you on your plat mat on the floor, you kick and pump your legs so much that you end up in a different spot than where I left you. I don’t think I can leave you on the sofa or ottoman for much longer without the risk of you scooting or rolling off.

There is one thing that I find a little disappointing: you don’t like it when I wear you in a carrier. You love being held and carried around, but you fuss and cry when I put you in the sling or Ergo. I would rather wear you than leave you in your carseat when we are out and about, but when you hate being worn as much as you do I have no other choice. I will keep trying, though, because I love having you right next to me. Comply, darn you!

You are my sweet boy, Henry. I love you so very much.

Love,

Mama

So, You’ve Made It An Entire Month.

family 3 Responses »

Dec 012012

Dear Henry,

I am a few days late on this letter to you since your one-month birthday was 6 days ago. You and your sister keep me very busy and it’s hard to find the desire to write when I could be snuggling with you instead. Priorities! You are currently nurse-sleeping in my lap on the flowery pink Boppy that I used with your sister. I love that even though you didn’t inherit 99% of her clothing, at least you are using some of her baby things, like the pink Boppy. No matter what anyone says, having pink or girly stuff doesn’t make you less of a man – it makes you not wasteful. Your first tricycle will most likely be your sister’s pastel pink and lavender Radio Flyer. Your daddy says that he will paint it black but he isn’t the repurposer in this house so unless I re-paint it, pink it will stay.

Last night, you slept for four consecutive hours before waking up to eat. It was the longest you have slept so far. The problem is, you were in your crib and I don’t know if you’re breathing or not when you aren’t laying next to me so while you slept? I listened. I checked on you. I poked at you. But, I didn’t sleep. I should know better by now; I constantly checked on your sister when she was a newborn because I was so scared to go up to her crib and find her laying there, not breathing. The thought that you would be all alone in your crib and then suddenly you leave us? Makes me physically ill. In fact, now that I just typed it out I want to throw up. I can only assume that this is a new mom thing and not a depression/anxiety thing. All moms of new babies are worried about losing their babies to SIDS. Even though I do everything by the book there is still that chance, I guess. I swaddle you tightly with a “proper” swaddling mechanism (a blanket with velcro! It’s like a straight-jacket for babies!), lay you on your back, and I even use a wedge with sides to keep your head inclined. No rolling around for you, mister! However, I suppose you could still spit up and then choke on it and suffocate. How is sleeping on your back the best option? I know, I know. THE RESEARCH. I’m no doctor or whatever but what if you spit up and can’t get it out of your mouth and you inhale it and suffocate? Two nights ago, you made a choking-like sound and I jumped out of bed to make sure the above scenario didn’t occur.

Being a mom of a teeny little baby is scary, Henry. I hope that when you read this you are old enough and wise enough to know that your mother isn’t a crackpot. Or, that I am a little off-center but you don’t blame me too much for how you turned out. I have kept you alive so far, dude. That’s my only responsibility to you at this point and I think I’m doing a stellar job of it.

You have grown so much since you were born. You don’t look like a sickly little newborn like when we first met you. That was all my fault and baby, I am so so sorry to have put you through that. I didn’t know how sick I was and I thought I was doing the best thing for us. Yes, we ended up having to forgo the natural birth I was hoping for, but I want you to know that even though I’m still grieving the loss of that experience, I don’t blame you or resent you for it.

Anyway, thank you for being born and for being such a good sleeper, a remarkable eater (you nailed breastfeeding from the get-go), and a delight to have in our family. You have started to smile and coo and your face brings me an immense amount of joy. Your eyes were a deep navy blue when you were born but they are starting to lighten and have turned a hypnotic shade of gray that fades into a light silver around your pupils. Your hair is still as red as mine and I hope that it stays that color. Your sister’s faded to blonde after she turned one year old and now it’s getting darker. She is starting to resemble your daddy but hopefully you will be little buddy and look like me. We call you Baby Mike because you look so much like my dad, your Grandpa Mike, from what I’ve seen of his baby photos.

I love you very much, Hen. I can’t wait to see how your personality develops and I’m exciting to get to watch and help you discover new things.

Love,

Mama

Finally A Family Of Four.

family 2 Responses »

Nov 122012

In the past two and a half weeks since Henry was born, we have been surrounded by hospital staff or family members and haven’t been alone with our kids for even a minute. It. Has. Sucked. And I want to tell you why. It has been EATING away at me - not sharing the trauma we’ve gone through has been so hard. I almost ALL-CAPS tweeted about it the other day but then hit the backspace approximately 140 times. Basically, something happened in the hospital (which turned out to be an error) that made the hospital alert a particular child-safety branch of the government. While we were “under investigation,” another adult (besides Jacob or myself) had to be with us at all times while we were with Henry and Avery; we were not allowed to be alone with either child. Today, everything was cleared up and apologies were given to us (it’s not enough but we’ll work on that later).

So, today is the first day that the four of us have actually just been alone together. Once Jacob picked the kids (I love that I get to use the plural now. TWO KIDS! I! HAVE! TWO! KIDS!) and I up from my mom’s, we drove home, unpacked, and then got ready to go out for dinner- just the four of us. It felt so good to be alone with my family in our new configuration. We are a foursome now and it’s weird but wonderful too. I can’t wait to settle into what I’m dubbing the “new normal.”

At dinner, Avery was pleasant to share a meal with (we have incredibly low expectations when it comes to her behavior at restaurants) and Henry dozed off in his carseat in the booth seat next to me while Jacob and I ate fajitas. Our first outing alone with our beautiful children and I didn’t even take a picture. But I’ll always remember it. We are four. Let our new journey begin.