health | lauren blogs... sometimes.

Generic Drugs For My Not-So-Generic Problem

Dec 102012

Ah, post-partum depression. You ugly whore. You were starting to appear when I was pregnant – toward the end when I started to feel a bit more miserable and my blood pressure started creeping up, you were creeping up, too. I should have seen you coming but I just assumed that my stress was due to being at home with Avery and getting used to the stay-at-home life again. Being exhaustingly pregnant was my excuse for being snippy, or “ragey,” as I call it. I was unpleasant to be around and why wouldn’t I be? I was fucking huge and tired and I hated everyone and GET THIS GODDAMN MIRACLE OUT OF ME NOOOOOW. Pregnancy doesn’t look good on me, especially at the end. But I didn’t know it was the depression. I just thought it was bitchy ol’ me.

After having a somewhat traumatic labor and delivery (at least the surgery itself wasn’t so bad this time around) and a beating of a hospital stay, not to mention our investigation by CPS (you are DYING for that story if you don’t already know it and trust me, I’ll get to it soon), it was no wonder why I had the baby blues when we finally got home and settled into our life as a family of four.

Every single day, I would yell. From the moment I woke up, I was irritable and impatient with anyone who came in contact with me. Except for Henry, no one was spared. The two who were on the receiving end of my rage all day long were Avery and Jacob. I hope that Avery doesn’t remember me yelling at her. I hope that she is too young and when she grows up, that memory won’t exist. I hope this for her and for me because I remember my parents yelling at each other and at me when I was young and it’s not a pleasant memory. Anyway, Avery is going through her rebellious terrible threes phase and she’s also dealing with having a new sibling. Basically, she’s a raging nightmare all on her own, so throw my impatience into the mix and our home is a powder keg of estrogen-fueled rage.

My heart hurt so much after a long day of telling her no and putting her in time-out or yelling at her for hitting the dog or pooping in her pants. Even when she would accidentally knock her sippy cup onto the floor and milk would get onto the carpet, I would lose it. How could you be so clumsy!? You are NEVER eating or drinking in the living room again! I would yell at her for something so stupid and I felt awful. When we would go out in public, she would run around and hide in the racks of clothes as though we were playing hide and seek. I hate it when she disappears in stores because I try not to play her game of Where’s Avery? but I am scared that if I don’t quickly find her that someone will kidnap her. I go into panic mode almost immediately and when I find her I want to slap her for hiding from me. I don’t slap her, but I feel my arm raising back as if I’m getting ready to smack her and she flinches in fear. I don’t hit my children but in the past month and a half, I have been so full of anger and stress that I have thought about hitting her as a form of punishment. As if inflicting physical pain on her will teach her a lesson about disobedience.

This scenario happened a few too many times and I knew something was wrong. I knew that I was out of control and was not coping with my emotions in a healthy way. I wasn’t coping AT ALL. I was destroying my relationships with my daughter and my husband. I made a doctor’s appointment and knew that I need to get help immediately. My doctor prescribed me Sertraline, which is the generic version of Zoloft. It is safe to take while breastfeeding.

I have been taking 5omg per day for the past two weeks and I have noticed a change and what’s better is that Jacob has noticed too. I take it first thing in the morning and I’m able to remain level-headed and not go into a rage about stupid stuff. When Avery misbehaves, I handle it much more gracefully and thoughtfully than I was able to before. Since my behavior has improved, so has Avery’s. We have had an easier time putting her to bed this past week, and it seems like she’s more mellow than she was when we first brought the baby home. She still has her moments, but I am able to handle them like a reasonable person and not like a raving lunatic who isn’t fit to be a parent.

The most important thing I could have done was to get help for my post-partum depression. To continue to let it take over my life would have torn my family apart. I hope that the medication continues to help, and I will be seeking out counseling as well. The medication is a band-aid, but therapy will be where the real healing takes place. I also plan on doing things for myself to help keep me in balance – my family is going to join a gym that has free child care while you work out, and I’m going to make sure that I get “me time” when possible. The latter is a bit tricky when you are exclusively breastfeeding, but sometimes all I need is an hour to get my nails done, or to go to Starbucks and read a book. Thankfully, I am surrounded by an amazing support system who will reach out to me and help me even when I’m too stubborn to ask for it.

I know that I will get better. It won’t happen next week or even next month, but it will happen. Until then, I’ll just hug my kiddos tight and hope that they don’t remember a time when mommy was crazy.

Inducing Labor Smells Really Gross And Also Probably Doesn’t Even Work.

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Oct 072012

Last night, I started taking evening primrose oil capsules orally and the um, other way (vaginally. There. I said it.). I took two capsules in both holes and went to bed. Evening primrose oil, or EPO, is supposed to ripen your cervix which will help when you are in labor. At my last appointment, I was high, closed, tight as a drum, however you want to put it. No progress. Sure, at that point I was only 38 weeks and 4 days but since I have never dilated on my own I don’t know if my body will cooperate in a timely manner and quite frankly, I’m a little worried. I have been super proud of how this pregnancy has turned out compared to the last one but the whole not-dilating thing is pretty much the same with both Avery and Filbert. Lame, guys. My kids are lazy and would rather float in a sac of Dr. Pepper and homemade banana bread than enter the world.

I wish I could tell my little floater than hey, being a baby is super easy, I promise. You have food on tap , you get to wear cute-as-hell clothes, everyone thinks you’re precious, and you get snuggled nonstop.

Being a baby is fucking amazing. Is being a fetus all that great? You can’t do anything but float and get the filtered nutrients from what mom eats. Ew. Isn’t breastmilk sweet or something? That’s got to be better than filtered turkey sandwiches and those wretched prenatal horse pills. Also, you’re pretty much folded in half while in the womb and there isn’t much wiggle-room at this point. BORING. When you are born, you can stretch out as much as you want. Did I mention the cute clothes? You won’t care but trust me, you’re going to look awesome.

So, back to the EPO. I inserted two capsules and went to bed. I thought that I felt something going on down there but who knows. Since I have a history of UTIs and yeast infections I decided not to do anymore but I will keep taking them orally. Tonight, I took four capsules (a total of 4000 mg which is totally safe, I promise) and while I haven’t noticed any additional contractions of any kind, I have noticed another side effect… GAS. Lots and lots of gas. Holy smokes, y’all, the gas is horrendous.

I’m not saying that EPO does or doesn’t work. I have read countless message boards, blogs, and websites of both reputable and not sources who say that it does work. One can assume that it works but what if your body was doing all of that dilating and effacing already and you’re just giving credit to the pills when it was all you the entire time? There’s no way to know. You can’t compare pregnancies from the same woman either because every pregnancy is different.

While it may or may not work, I figured that it’s worth a try to help things move along. According to the more credible sources, taking EPO isn’t harmful in any way (unless you have placenta previa, which I do not) so I’m not doing damage by taking it. It can only help. Or do nothing.

I am also bouncing on my birthing ball for about twenty minutes at a time periodically throughout the day. I usually do it while we are watching TV since I’m already sitting down – I may as well be actively sitting, right? I don’t know if this helps either but it does feel good on my legs.

There are some other methods that people use to get the ball rolling on labor that are more widely accepted – sex, nipple stimulation, and walking. Obviously, I’m trying them all. Walking feels really good (okay, the other stuff does too) so I try to get in at least a twenty-minute walk a few times per day. Even if it’s a short walk to and from the park, at least it’s something. I would love to be able to take a brisk walk alone but now that I’m tethered to my child all day I don’t have that option. Besides, she needs the fresh air and activity too.

I have my next prenatal appointment on Tuesday (I will be 39 weeks, 1 day) but I doubt that my midwife will check my progress. They are a very hands-off practice which I appreciate even though at times it can be kind of annoying. I’m sure she’d check me if I asked her but I should probably just go with the flow and let things happen.

Let them happen with assistance, of course. Otherwise, why the hell am I taking stinky-fart-creating EPO and tweaking my nipples all damn day?

It’s not even cold outside.

health, writing 5 Responses »

Sep 242012

And I have a cold.

I caught it from a coworker who sits in my pod but we don’t even face each other. In fact, we don’t interact that much and yet she got me sick. She also gave the cold to our other team member who sits right next to her. He and I shared a roll of toilet paper-as-Kleenex today. Of course, during my final week at my job (!!!!) I get sick and probably shouldn’t call out. That would look bad, I guess. What can they do, fire me?

Last night, in an attempt to feel even just a little bit better, I took some Dayquil gel capsules. Oooh, Dayquil is of the devil when you’re pregnant. Apparently. I don’t know why but my mother-in-law, who is a pharmacist, couldn’t offer me any hope by way of drugs except for worthless Tylenol. Grownups don’t take Tylenol because that shit doesn’t work. I need ibuprofen. And I need it now.

So, against the warnings heeded by basically every website that Google churned out during my search, I took the damn things anyway. I figured that I’m far enough along in my pregnancy that a single dose of Dayquil, AKA Satan juice, won’t do any harm.

Not only did my baby NOT grow a tail, but I also didn’t get any relief from my cold. All night, I couldn’t breathe through my nose and my right nostril was a leaky faucet and I was achy and feverish. I’m coming for you, Vicks. Clearly, both you and Tylenol are the makers of products that don’t fucking work. I want to feel better. I want to sleep. I want to BREATHE.

So you know what I did? I made some chicken noodle soup. LIKE A BOSS. From scratch-ish. I say ‘ish’ because I used those rad chicken-flavored bullion cubes instead of making my own broth. I don’t know how to make my own broth and that shit sounds time-consuming anyway. I had seen my mother make it a thousand times when I was growing up- she would whip some up when my sister or I weren’t feeling well- and it always made me feel better. Just the smell of the peppery broth and steam helped clear up my nasal passages and soothed my throat.

I think my mom would have been proud of my soup-making skills tonight. It was some damn tasty chicken noodle soup and it made me feel better! I’m still a little congested and fatigued but I don’t feel like total shit anymore and I’d like to think that the soup had something to do with it. I also baked some pumpkin spice cupcakes with cream cheese icing (all of that shit came from a box mix or a can) so I’m sure that helped too. I love pumpkin-flavored anything. I digress.

This fall, when your coworker or child infects you with the common cold, make some chicken noodle soup. If you don’t eat meat (and you really shouldn’t- I hate that at the moment I’m not leading by example), I recommend Gardein’s chick’n fillets and vegetarian vegetable bullion cubes as substitutes.

I really really wish that I had photographed the soup because now I want to share the recipe with you. Next time, I promise. And yeah, there will be a next time because it’s damn good soup that works better on colds than stupid Dayquil or Tylenol.

Why DIET and BABY are both four-letter words.

health 3 Responses »

Sep 122012

Can I talk about weight loss already? I’m not talking about losing weight now, obviously. While it may be possible, dieting right now is something I have no desire to do. However, once I have the baby, I would really really REALLY like to lose weight and lose it for good.

I have been overweight for my entire life (a combination of genetics and poor eating habits- thanks mom and dad!). I have lost a decent amount of weight three times in my life- the first time, it was the summer before my junior year of high school and I decided to pop Metabolife (yay, ephedra!) and walk every night. I also ate a little healthier and cut out sodas. I think that I lost about thirty pounds that summer (from around 180 down to 150) and dropped a pants size.

The second time I lost weight was over another summer- I think it was 2003. I got a job at Six Flags making funnel cakes (oh yeah, and I still lost weight!). The walk from the parking lot to the office back to my kiosk back to the office and back to the car PLUS trips to the bathroom and to get supplies? I walked at least two miles a day just at work. While I was at work, I wasn’t eating much. Not eating anything is bad, of course, but at the time I guess I wasn’t that hungry. Being around those greasy cakes all day must have helped me curb my appetite. In addition to walking at work, I was exercising every single day by walking or swimming at the local park. I was single, so very lonely, and had nothing else to do with my free time. I lost about thirty pounds AGAIN (180 down to 150, again) but dropped about three pants sizes this time. I was still a size 12 but I was a small 12. You know what I mean.

The last time, Jacob and I were living in Oklahoma and decided to get on a health kick. We joined the YMCA and ate at Subway every day. Yeah, the f’ing Subway diet. That shit works but it’s boring and expensive and definitely not well-balanced. I lost about twenty pounds (180 down to 160) this time around. We didn’t maintain this routine for very long.

I gained back the weight every single time. By the time I got pregnant with Avery I was over 200 pounds. I was going out to lunch every single day and eating fast food. I wasn’t exercising at all, either. By the end of my pregnancy with Avery I was 228 pounds, and after I had her I quickly dropped down to 216. Ooh, twelve whole pounds, woo-hoo! I was still fat and very VERY jiggly.

I joined an online “body after baby” challenge which helped me lose a few pounds but I didn’t keep it up. Surprise, surprise. I didn’t gain the weight back but I stopped losing it for a long time. At the beginning of 2011, Jacob and I decided that THIS WAS THE YEAR we were going to lose the weight forever! We were eating super-healthy and exercising every single day; we even ran a 5k in March. The problem? I went back to work at the end of February so we only had two months of my pushing, preparing all of the meals, and just plain old having time to exercise. Bummer. I can’t recall how much weight I lost, but it wasn’t much. I do know that I dropped below 200 pounds and that was pretty f’ing sweet. I think I got down to 195 but it didn’t stick. We slowly let our bad habits and laziness creep back into our lives and we gained back the weight.

Every few months, Jacob or I would start a new program. If you are a chronic dieter then you are no doubt familiar with this futile exercise. He did Insanity but only lasted for a week (if it was even that long). He took pills and supplements. I started a walking program (laps around the sofa), and then yoga, then something else. I’d give up soda, then start drinking it again, over and over. Clearly, our weight loss is an issue of will power. And also ice cream and pizza with extra cheese.

When I got pregnant with Filbert I was right at 200 pounds (I think- I never looked at my chart). At my last prenatal appointment I weighed in at 223. My guess is that by the time I’m ready to pop I will be around 230 pounds just like I was with Avery. And I’m obviously okay with that. Sure, it’s a high number. But gaining around thirty pounds during pregnancy is normal so I don’t feel bad about it. What I’d like to do this time around is start working toward losing the weight immediately. I won’t have a post-op grace period this time- with Avery, I had TWO (c-section and gallbladder extraction)- and I’m hoping that I’ll feel ready to get up and move around much sooner than I did last time.

Because I love to plan things to death, I have come with a plan of sorts to help me lose the baby weight AND THEN SOME. My lowest weight as an adult was 150 pounds and I rather enjoyed being that weight and size. I was a toned size 12 and I was happy with myself. I don’t hate my body when I’m really overweight, but when I am working towards bettering myself I certainly FEEL better in addition to LOOKING better. It’s a win-win!

I am hoping that we can take family walks every evening for at least thirty minutes if not longer. I think that getting into the habit of walking again is essential for slow, consistent weight loss. Also, I am planning on returning to a vegetarian diet once I have the baby. This alone will cut out fast food and that will help out tremendously. Since I will be at home all day, I am going to be able to prepare meals in as healthful a way as possible. I love preparing soups and my family loves eating them. Thankfully, autumn is upon us and in the cooler months I could eat soup everyday.

Sounds simple, right? Finding the time and energy will be a challenge but once we all find our rhythm things should fall into place.

So… I’m aiming for losing about fifty pounds over the next twelve months. That’s doable, right? I guess we’ll find out!

Group B Strep Testing During Pregnancy

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Sep 072012

At my last prenatal appointment, my midwife spoke with me about the choice to do Group B Strep testing, or GBS testing. As far as I know, it was required during my last pregnancy and I honestly don’t recall getting tested. I can assume that it was negative because I’d like to think that if it was positive that I’d remember but there is little I remember about my last pregnancy, especially as I got closer to the end. It’s almost like I blocked it out or chose to forget parts of it.

My midwife said that getting tested for GBS was my choice (I love having choices and not being told I HAVE to do something since it’s MY body). She stated that, if I were to have GBS and didn’t get tested, my baby could get GBS during delivery and apparently some babies die from it. That’s not good! I don’t think she intended to use scare tactics to get me to agree to testing but it certainly did worry me. She encouraged me to do some research on GBS testing and make a decision by my next appointment since that’s when the test would be administered if I opted to have it done.

I read medical websites and homeopathic/natural birthing sites to make sure one side wasn’t trying to scare the reader into their biased way of thinking. I always assume that medical sites are going to push interventions and medical procedures even if they aren’t necessary. It’s part of my fear of doctors (I need to write about my white coat syndrome- it’s a real thing, y’all). Reversely, I often think that holistic resources will preach about the devil that is intervention and modern medicine even when it might be necessary. I sit happily in between these two groups and know that sometimes drinking tea and chewing on ginger root isn’t going to make things all better and that sometimes you NEED antibiotics.

With that said, I still have no idea what to do. Obviously, having to decide whether or not to do the test in the first place is worrying me. My goal throughout this pregnancy has been to stay relaxed and not be drawn into any situation where fear-mongering may occur. My education on GBS during the chat with my midwife was a little scary and I didn’t exactly appreciate it. Now, it isn’t her fault that she frightened me. Well, wait. OF COURSE they scared me. Telling me that my baby could die is fucking terrifying.

However, she did state that in many countries, GBS testing isn’t performed at all and those babies don’t seem to die from it. So is this another case of where constant testing will eventually lead to a positive result? Also, GBS testing is routine and probably even required in many obstetrician practices. I’m not saying that OB offices are dirty but we KNOW that hospitals are rife with bacteria and disease. Imagine getting tested regularly during your hospital stay- how clean could it possibly be? The constant exposure is no doubt going to give your vagina and rectum some unwanted bacteria.

If you already have GBS, it is very unlikely that it will spread to the baby during birth and make him or her sick. Everyone has this bacteria in their GI tract. We are COVERED in bacteria and most of it is good for us. We need it. Yay, bacteria! When your baby is born and you place him or her on your chest, your baby will get covered in your germs and it’s HEAVENLY. Your baby needs those germs. We live in such a germophobic society and that might be why there are some people who always seem to be getting sick. Just a thought.

From the Mayo Clinic website: “If you test positive for group B strep, it doesn’t mean that you’re ill or that your baby will be affected. It simply means the potential for newborn infection exists.” So what does that mean? That even if you have the test done it doesn’t prove one way or the other if you could be carrying the bacteria that would harm you or your baby. Wouldn’t the knowledge of a positive test result just add more stress to the mother which has been proven to be harmful to the fetus?

About 25% of women have this bacteria in their GI tract and, if untreated, 1 out of 200 babies will be born with GBS (which may or may not negatively effect them). However, if the mom is given IV antibiotics during labor, the baby has a 1 in 4,000 chance of GBS getting passed to them during birth. Obviously, nothing is 100% but if both mom and baby are otherwise healthy, is “catching” the GBS bacteria going to cause problems? From what I’ve read, it sounds like the mother and baby will present symptoms way before the testing window (35 to 37 weeks gestation).

So… what would you do? If you were given the option, did you opt in or out of testing? I am not sure which way to go and I’d like to stop worrying about it and move onto more fun pregnancy-related issues like peeing when I sneeze.

25 Weeks!

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Jul 082012

Yep, things are getting pretty snug around here. This is probably the last time I’ll be able to wear that particular top since it isn’t stretchy. I broke out my belly band to help prolong the life of my jeans since I get sick of wearing leggings every single day. My maternity wardrobe consists of super cute tops and tunics but wah-wah lame black leggings. Getting dressed is a chore and can be kind of depressing. I know that, thanks to my belly, I look adorable but damn if it isn’t a challenge to find something that fits my bottom half.

I attended my first prenatal yoga class yesterday. I really enjoyed it since the class size was small and the instructor was warm and very welcoming. She came up to me, introduced herself, and asked me a few questions to get to know me a little bit. She seemed like she spent time chatting it up with her students. I am not used to that since I went to a franchise yoga studio before and while the instructors were nice they certainly didn’t seem invested in their students beyond the occasional posture adjustment. I signed up for a four-class package and once that’s up I will probably go to a regular, non-prenatal class that is a little more convenient to get to- the studio is a forty-minute drive and while it was nice to get some “me time” I don’t feel like I need it on a Saturday morning. I am hoping to find a gentle class at a studio in between my office and Avery’s sitter’s house so I can attend after work but before I pick her up. I need yoga during the week, and I’m more likely to attend if I don’t have to go out of my way to get there. I’m a lazy yogi, I guess.

My Hypnobabies study course is going smoothly, of course. I fall asleep about half of the time but according to the program that’s totally okay and normal. Explaining it to people has been hilarious because of the stigma and ignorance associated with hypnosis. It isn’t my mission to convince others that self-hypnosis isn’t wacky or stupid so I don’t even try. I just change the subject or laugh along with their misguided comments.

I’m feeling great and trying to eat as healthy as I can while still satisfying my current addiction to sandwiches.

Previous updates: 10 weeks, 15 weeks, 20 weeks

Let’s birth babies like new age hippies.

family, health 4 Responses »

Jun 242012

My first birthing experience was less than ideal. It pretty much covered everything that happens in a typical hospital birth by an OB. It was almost textbook, practically cliche. First-time mom goes in for induction, gets Pitocin and lots of it, then gets an epidural because there is no pain management technique used (OB never suggested classes or reading up on different methods), and while the new mom-to-be is drugged up she keeps trying to keep her OB from wheeling her into surgery for a cesarean. Yet, we all know that this is an inevitably in my case and many others’ and it’s just not right. Unless, of course, you genuinely need a c-section or opt to have one in the first place. Those are different scenarios and were not in my ‘plan,’ if I even had one to begin with. I had a cesarean, a rough transition off of my epidural, and was kept separated from my baby for several hours. During that time, she received formula in the nursery and this is probably why nursing was so challenging for us while we were in the hospital. I also had a huge bruise on the side of my thigh and I have no idea how it got there. Thankfully, the site of my incision healed quickly so that was one of the many possible issues that I didn’t face with my surgery. We were in the hospital for five long days. Hospital staff kept interrupting valuable bonding and sleep times with their checking and making sure I was drinking enough water. Too bad that hospital services aren’t a la carte because I would have opted to NOT pay for that service. But you don’t have a choice, now do you? Once you are in the hospital you are on their clock and have to follow their rules and let’s face it, thanks to the many lawsuits that hospitals and doctors have had in the past, there are many processes and procedures in place that are mostly for protecting the employees of the hospital. These protocols and rules are generally at the expense of the patient (in any situation, not just labor and delivery) and will ultimately make “care” more invasive/painful/unnecessary/expensive.

This is all just my experience and my opinion so take it with a grain of salt if you feel the need to do so.

In order to avoid such a traumatic and aggravating experience this time around Jacob and I are going to have a different kind of birth. We switched from an OB/hospital birth (I was seeing an OB for the first half of my pregnancy) to a midwife practice in a birth center. Their philosophy and approach to birth is what I didn’t even know I wanted or needed. I feel like a person and not just another check from the insurance company and that’s a good feeling. My first midwife appointment was last week; the midwife (one of three in the practice) and I chatted for an hour before she did any “medical” things. It was no wonder my blood pressure was normal – I was finally relaxed. I feel safe and totally at ease at the birth center.

In addition to birthing away from a hospital, Jacob and I are also using the Hypnobabies birthing method. We have only been practicing for a week but it seems like a great way to have a relaxing, zen, peaceful labor. Who wouldn’t want that? Every night Jacob and I listen to one of the tracks designated for that particular week and, at thirty minutes long, we rarely make it to the end before falling asleep. I think that’s a good thing! Listening to it makes me feel so peaceful. In fact, the “trigger” word that we will be using to release my natural anesthesia during contractions and labor is peace. Peace. I love it. Just saying it feels relaxing. For the next four months Jacob and I will be practicing this technique together. So far, it’s been nice laying next to him, breathing, letting go. It’s a good way to melt off the stresses of the day and has made us fans of meditation.

That’s our two-part plan on how we are going to ensure that this birth is full of love and support and not fear-based hospital practices. It’s going to be awesome.

We’re halfway there, baby!

family, health 1 Response »

Jun 032012

We are officially halfway through this awesome journey! I have much more energy these days which I have been taking advantage of by hitting the pool and doing some cleaning of all the things. I donated a bunch of stuff to Goodwill and we will be participating in the subdivision-wide garage sale next weekend. We are hoping to unload some things to make room for new baby stuff and make a few bucks in the process. In the past few days I have noticed my ankles looking a bit more, um, pronounced, than usual. I have very few delicate features and my ankles are two of them so when they look chunky, I NOTICE. Most women get cankles during pregnancy but any swelling freaks me out since I had hypertension during my last pregnancy. I think it’s time to get serious about my diet and hopefully that will keep the puffiness to a minimum.

While writing this post I started watching Pregnant in America, a documentary about the issues with birth in the United States (it’s on Netflix instant if you want to check it out but I must warn you, if you had a traumatizing birth experience it might be difficult to watch). While watching it I was typing up my plan for the upcoming weeks such as registering at the hospital and taking a tour of L&D. I had ultimately chosen to have a baby at a hospital because the only birth center that will perform a VBAC is in Richardson which is about a 45 minute drive from my home but nearly an hour from my office (which would make it a bit of a trek to go to appointments). Now, when I put it down in writing it doesn’t seem that far away. And it’s not. But I think what was in the distance for me, and perhaps previously unreachable, was my comfort in doing something non-traditional. Isn’t that weird? I am someone who always went against the grain; if everyone else is going left, you can bet your ass I’m going right. So why was this different? Was I afraid? Did I really think that a forty-five minute drive was worth trading in my peace of mind and what I knew was the best choice for convenience? Jacob teased me for watching the documentary since it’s obviously biased (what documentary about anything isn’t somewhat biased?), but he sat down and watched it too. The part about the use of the dangerous drug Cytotec freaked him out, as well as the doctor’s instructing the nurses to not check or record the woman’s progress to ensure that a cesarean will be the ultimate result. He knows that I was given Pitocin and NOT Cytotec with Avery’s birth, but I don’t remember being checked much at the hospital, and neither does Jacob. We both have our reservations about hospitals in general and honestly feel like, as a society, we are overly medicated. My good ol’ Okie husband is more of a hippie than he realizes (just don’t tell him that!).

We had talked about a birth center birth for baby number two but there seems to be only ONE birth center in Dallas-Ft. Worth that will do a VBAC. Even before I was pregnant I interviewed the midwife who runs the birth center (the one in Richardson) and I pretty much love her. This was about two years ago but I’m sure she still performs VBACs so I will do some research and give her a call.

I know that if we switch providers we are going to eat some of the cost that we’ve already paid my obstetrician but Jacob has reassured me that money isn’t the issue as long as I am comfortable and happy with this process (his comfort is important too). This is what we both want. And not because it’s trendy or because we’re OH SO CRUNCHY (we’re not, it’s a label I have no desire to pin to myself), but because we have experienced the hospital system’s version of a birth and that’s not what we want.

I’m aware that there are risks involved in a VBAC but there are risks in having a repeat cesarean too, and I find it hard to believe that having ANOTHER MAJOR SURGERY is safer than having a vaginal birth. That’s not even up for discussion since a VBAC has been my goal all along. Your opinion on it in either direction is welcome but you won’t be swaying me to have another cesarean (so don’t bother, I guess is what I’m trying to say).

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, which is a relief in itself since my belly is getting really heavy.

Hydronephrosis

family, health, writing 1 Response »

Jan 252012

Say what?

Hy-dro-ne-phro-sis. That’s what Avery has. It’s basically a fancy word for ‘kidney reflux’ and yes, she will live. Her pediatrician assured me that it wasn’t life threatening and, at this point, didn’t even require medication. Avery will eventually grow out of it but until she does she must be monitored every year. We have an appointment to see a pediatric urologist on February 6th where I’m sure a series of (hopefully) pain-free tests will be administered. Her pediatrician told me that there really isn’t a cause for it so that made me feel a little better. Sort of. If there was a cause then I imagine fixing her would be easier, right? Having this hard-to-pronounce diagnosis come out of the blue is trickier.

So she’ll be okay. It still sucks.

Waiting for an answer.

family, health, writing 2 Responses »

Jan 242012

Today we were supposed to get the results of Avery’s renal sonogram that she had last Friday. I was working all day and didn’t get a phone call from her pediatrician and, since I was busy, the whole thing slipped my mind. I was so certain that everything was okay that I didn’t necessarily bother to take the sonogram seriously. After being reassured by family and friends that it was just a precaution I was able to carry on all weekend with the comfort that my baby was just fine. I didn’t worry about my phone ringing with bad news. And, since I forgot all about getting the phone call, I didn’t worry at all.

I left work a few minutes early and by the time I remembered that I should have heard from her doctor it was exactly five o’clock. Shit. I immediately called her pediatrician’s office and went through the automated menu in hopes that I hadn’t missed the opportunity to speak to a real person and not an after-hours answering service. After “trying that extension” and a couple of rings, a nurse answers. YES! I told her the reason for my call and she said that the pediatrician would call me back in a few minutes. A few minutes usually means thirty so I didn’t wait in the car with my phone in my lap. I pulled up to Avery’s sitter’s house and collected my child after having a brief chat with her sitter (I can’t remember what we talked about. Probably poop). I loaded Avery in the car and, before putting it into drive, checked my phone. I had just missed a call from her doctor! BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE! BEETLEJUICE! I didn’t listen to the voice mail before calling the office to hopefully get to talk to someone. After half of a ring the automated answering service picked up and told me to fuck off. Or, a voice came on with instructions to dial 911 if this was a true medical emergency, blah blah blah. I was too late.

I figured that since I wasn’t going to get to speak to anyone tonight I should probably go ahead and listen to the voice mail left by her pediatrician. I can’t remember exactly what she said but the gist of it is this: They saw something on the sonogram. I don’t want to give you bad news over voice mail but it’s not REALLY bad. She needs to come in for a follow-up and Avery will need to be monitored (for what?). Please call in the morning.

I suddenly and, not surprisingly, became so worried and scared for my little Avery. What could possibly be wrong with her? What’s wrong with her kidneys? Is it because she doesn’t eat meat, because she DOES eat fish and chicken sometimes! She drinks plenty of water, I swear! She gets enough sleep and is a very happy girl. We go days without watching TV and she loves puzzles. She’s smart! She’s never sick! Until now she had only been afflicted with a measly little cold that she got over in forty-eight hours. She was breastfed! We eat organic produce! What! Did! I! Do! Wrong?! I really don’t know what to think. I hit up Dr. Google and started seeing phrases like kidney failure, kidney disease, and now I’m thinking that the couple of times I gave her some Benadryl to help her go to sleep when she was in pain from her UTI may have caused it. My mind is racing and my fears are escalating. I’m so scared right now but all I can do is snuggle with her and wait til the morning.

Please be nothing. Please, please, please be nothing.

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